How it all began

It was a quiet evening last fall in which Brian and I were eating dinner a little later than usual. Big sis had already had her supper and was upstairs playing in her room. It was nice to have a quiet meal together, something that is usually only possible when we schedule a date night alone. But tonight we got lucky and had an opportunity to eat our meal, debrief on our day without interuption and enjoy some much needed one on one adult coversation. After a few moments, Brian decided to drop the bomb on me that I never in my life would have expected, you see a couple of years prior we made the decision to go permenant birth control with the big "V" because he felt he was done and happy with what we were already blessed with. I on the other had secretly longed for at least one more child in my heart but felt I needed to submit to my husband's wishes and not "push" the issue. After all, I feel that raising children is a duel effort and if one's heart isn't fully in it - it's just dangerous territory to tread.

Anyway, so there I was enjoying my risotto and suddenly Brian says to me, "There's something I need to talk to you about. Something's been on my mind for a couple of weeks now and no matter how hard I try, I can't seem to shake it." My heart sunk for a quick moment thinking "oh no...what could it be?" Then he says, "I'm thinking I might want to adopt". I about fell out of my chair!! I couldn't believe the words I was hearing and was both elated and shocked at the same time.

I probably need to back up here for minute and explain how I feel the Lord had also been preparing my heart to recieve this news. A few days prior I awoke puzzled after having a very vivid dream that I was putting a baby asian girl in a car seat in the back seat of our car next to big sister. She asked, "mommy, why is she crying?" And I said, "because babies cry sometimes especially when they aren't very happy." I believe that this was God's way of preparing my heart. We are not adopting internationally BUT I feel like I needed to have this type of dream to prepare my heart for "adoption". For if it had been a white baby, I probably wouldn't have considered it to be an adopted child.

So, after Brian gave his announcement, the conversation went on for a couple of hours that evening hashing through all the possibilities and ways of having another baby. Could we have the big V reversed? Would it be too much money, too much risk and too much uncertainty? Not to mention the pain Brian would have to undergo and we all know that didn't go over well. What about invetro? Could we do that? We talked about several ways in which we could get ourselves pregnant, questioning if that's what we should do. That night I prayed and wondered what would come of all this. I pondered what God could possibly be doing here. And I wondered should we try to get pregnant ourselves or is that messing with what God is trying do here??