A Lesson in Patience

Our home study interview visit last Friday went great! However, I myself had a rough couple of days during the process. I've learned a lot over the past couple of days and I'm sure I'm going to have to return to this lesson again and again as I practice patience in this long journey. Let me begin by giving a little history. Back when we were in our first classes in Feb. we heard of a little baby boy who had been born that day. The foster mom was visiting our class and was getting ready to go pick him up from the hospital. His mother had him and then took off (I was told to go get high). You see, after this little guy was born he was tested positive for meth, cocaine and heroine. I have a co-worker who I've mentioned earlier who is closely knitted with the foster parent community and is one herself, so periodically I would ask how this little guy was doing. Apparently he was having some medical issues with acid reflux and needed surgery on his stomach to cut an opening so the food could pass through (which is becoming more and more common amongst the drug babies) it has some big medical name which I can't remember - but you get the drift right? Anyway, they say he is now doing much better.

Ok, now keep this history in mind as it has often popped into my mind throughout the past couple of months while waiting for the home study to go it's course. Now, let's travel to last Wed. (2 days prior to home study interviews) as I had the opportunity to attend a training for foster parents even though I am technically not one yet. Once you become a foster parent in our state you are required to take 12 hours of on going credit each year to remain licensed. This class would be (if I was already licensed) one that would count as ongoing credit. Anyway, the class was titled The Effects of Early Neglect on Childhood Development. WOW!! It was a doozey! Information that was shocking, depressing and mind boggling as to what happens when a baby is simply not cared for properly. The increased risk of death, harm and irreversible damage was frightening. They talked about the relationship between neglect and attachment disorders and how kids end up not being able to self regulate their emotions and as a result end up having difficulties throughout childhood in school, families and other relationships. The real depressing part is that it's much harder for social workers to diagnose or pin point when a child is being neglected because there are usually no outward signs as there is with physical and sexual abuse. I could go on and on about what I learned but let me summarize it with this, the class left me questioning if I could really do this and it left me worried about the unknown.

Then came Thursday. That evening there was a pie and coffee social hour that takes place once a month for foster parents. I attended hoping to meet the placement coordinator for our area so that she could put a face to the name that will come across her desk soon. I want her to get to know us and know exactly what we are looking for so when the right child comes along she's able to ask us about the placement. As I drove to the restaurant I wondered if the foster mom that is caring for the baby boy I mentioned earlier would be at this social. Sure enough when I walked in she was and so was baby. I cheerfully introduced myself and told her I was wondering if they would be there. I went on to say how I'd often thought about this little guy and wondered how he was doing. She went on to explain his issues in detail, his surgery experience and his ongoing problems with his acid reflux. She also said, "you can hold him if you want". And so, I carefully unbuckled him from his carrier and lifted him into my lap. As I looked into his face, I thought "Could I be his future mommy? Could I mother this baby into adulthood?" And then a strange and probably not such a good thing happened. I knew in my gut that this baby probably wasn't the baby for me, I just didn't feel a connection on that level but I did feel a sadness for him and my heart went out to him for the pain he has already suffered and will continue to suffer. I began to work myself up into an emotional connection forcing the possibility of becoming his mommy. I led the foster mom on to think that I truly was interested because part of me felt like I was - like I was called to help the helpless and this was it. Time passed and it was time to go and I said good-bye to the foster mom. She gave me a photo to take home to show Brian.

When I returned home I showed Brian the picture and explained his problems medically and Brian knew instantly this wasn't the baby for us. I then was faced with a let down that I still have a hard time putting words to, to label and explain the mixed emotions I was feeling. Guilt is a word I'm beginning to identify with in a new way. By questioning if I can even mother a child so difficult and then admitting I'm not sure if I really can makes a part of me feel guilty.

The next morning I woke early. Wanting desperately to stay in bed and sleep I knew I had to spend some time with my Heavenly Father and pray and seek His face on this situation. As expected, He didn't let me down and I was comforted and spoken to by His spirit. He led me to Psalm 27 where I found such comfort as it spoke directly to my heart and it brought me to tears. Verse 14, the final verse in this Psalm, is one I've been holding onto ever since and I realized even more over the course of the weekend how direct God was being with me. It says "Wait on the LORD, be of good courage and He shall strengthen your heart. Wait, I say, on the LORD!"

As Friday afternoon came, our licensor interviewed us and all went well. I made a point of asking him directly about a specific child I had seen on the internet listing for adoption. The write ups are sometime worded in a way in which those on the "inside" know the true meaning behind the descriptions. He was very honest and upfront with me and I'm grateful for that. He explained a little more through his experiences the differences between alcohol affected children and drug affected children. It appears alcohol affects are much worse. We then got into further conversation about this particular baby boy that is currently in care. He then pretty much told me point blank, this is not the baby for you and it would be a mistake to try and get him. He said that they have a list of expectant mothers who will be delivering babies in the next 6 months and that if I, together with Brian, set our expectations for what we want and DON'T BUDGE, we will get the baby that is right for us. Naturally, this made me feel better but also nervous about buckling when I hear a sob story of a baby in need. I know that this is when I will lean on Brian a great deal as (due to the way God made men) he is much more able to not be so emotional about every child that comes our way. And he is really cued into his gut feelings and trusts them, as do I, to lead him in the right direction.

So what does this all come down to? Patience. I must remember that God knows what we can handle and what we can't. I know that He already has the child picked out for us. I must remember that in His time He will make it known who that baby is. I must remember to trust that He will let me know deep within me that when that baby comes across my path I will know it. Until then, I most importantly must remember to hold onto the promises of His word and be of courage as He strengthens my heart. I must remember to Wait on the LORD!