Humble Awakenings

The following post was originally posted on Aug. 30th. Much has changed since this post, but I thought I would post it anyway so that you can experience the waves of emotions that I have had in the past few weeks. ~ Stacy


I have no idea how to even begin this post. For several days now I have been struggling with a way in how I can break the news to all of you, our family and friends, that we have made another big decision regarding our adoption. We have decided to put the breaks on and no longer pursue adding on to our family. Let me explain how this all came about.

Last week, for some unknown reason I was overwhelmed with the feelings of wanting a baby. Looking back, I think it was largely due to the fact that Big Sis was turning "5" and I saw that my little baby was growing up really fast. I longed for the days when I held her close to my body and she needed me every moment. I longed for the days of kissing her little head while smelling the sweet smell of baby lotion. Those days I realized are long gone as next week she'll be entering full day kindergarten and I will be left trying to figure out what to do with myself for the long days that she will be absent from the home.

I was so overcome with the feeling of wanting a baby that Brian and I once again started to contemplate having another biological child. Could we do a reversal and try to conceive our own baby? What about Invetro? I researched the options and soon realized that the burden of the cost (our insurance won't cover this kind of stuff) along with the procedures involved and the risk of not conceiving on the first try far outweighed the desire to go down that road. I was once again realizing that going the foster/adopt route was the best way to nurture the feelings of wanting a baby again. But then there's the other side of what I had been feeling in the past couple of weeks...small twinges of doubt have slowly started to seep into my mind and heart as to whether or not I truly wanted to continue on this path and if it really was right for us. I recently found out that as of July our state passed a law that babies (if born to a mom with a chronic history of neglect and drug abuse and a history of losing other children to the system) are born "clean" they are sent home to live with their mom. No longer can a mom's history be a reason to remove a child to protect them until that mother is proven to be well enough to take care of her child. Meaning that mom could still be using but wasn't during the time of birth and therefore, without any proof, a child will go home to suffer the affects of early neglect only to be emotionally (irreversibly) wounded and removed from the home a mere two months or so later. This weighed heavy on my heart as to what it could mean to our future.

Then, Thursday night arrived, right in the middle of all this thinking, researching and contemplating the timing couldn't be better to find some support. I needed to attend a foster parent support meeting/training session to start accumulating our necessary ongoing training hours. This was a place I could go to voice my concerns about all that I was feeling regarding the anxiety of possibly adopting a child who had suffered neglect and was unable to attach. I found some comfort in those who I spoke with, telling me that things aren't as bad as people make them out to be. That you get through it if problems arise - you deal with it, just like you would your own child. Don't worry - you will have the support to help you through it, they told me.

As I entered the meeting I noticed that the little baby boy (now 6mo. old) that I spoke about back on May 14th was there with his foster mom and I was going to get to see how he was doing. When I saw him I was pleased to see that he looked great! He had gained weight and he looked pretty typical. I asked how he was doing and foster mom said he was doing good despite still having upper GI problems. We made small talk for a moment about how we had yet to have a placement and then she looked at me and asked, "hey, do you want to do respite for us?" (Respite is when you take in another foster child for a short amount of time so that the foster family they are with can have a break. Often times people will use respite when families travel during the summer or holidays and can't take a foster child with them due to scheduled visitation and other circumstances - or they just need a break)
I then asked, "when?" "Tomorrow" she said. I was shocked that it was going to be so soon and asked, "until when?" She replied, "well, basically it would just be for about 24hrs". She had a fair booth to run and it would be a great help to not have to worry about caring for "baby boy" during the process. I thought to myself, 'this is perfect! Just what I need for what I'm feeling right now - I would love to!' I replied, "yes, I think so, but let me check with my husband to be sure and I'll call you tonight and let you know. But I don't see why not". After the meeting I called Brian and he agreed it was perfect timing and would be a good way to get a feeling for what it will be like.

I picked up baby boy at 2:30pm with all the diapers, clothes, formula and medicines necessary to get us through the next 24hrs then returned home for a hard dose of reality. Big Sis and I were thrilled to have him. We played well into the evening with him as he cooed and smiled here and there but at one point I suddenly realized how much work it would be to have another baby. Big Sis entertained him as much as she could, but I was the one who he needed when it came time for diaper changing, feeding, burping and holding. I found myself jugging baby boy, Big Sis and meatballs all within a couple of hours of having him in our home. I realized this was a lot more work than I remembered it being and I was starting to wonder, was I really up for it. Not to mention, we hadn't even began to get into the tough stuff - night time and early morning wakings. And baby boy was a pretty easy baby. What would it be like with a difficult baby - one who was colic or going through severe withdrawals.

Brian got home from work at his normal time and with it being Friday it was evident on his face that it had been a long day concluding a long week at work. He was in a state of fatigue and needed respite himself from any responsibility or anything requiring energy beyond sitting and relaxing. The evening passed fairly quickly and bedtime approached. Big Sis was put to bed and baby boy followed shortly thereafter. As the night passed I found myself in mom mode the entire night. Shortly after 2am Big Sis was in need of cough syrup for cold that had come on in the past couple of days. I also found I couldn't get into a deep sleep because I worried that if I did, I wouldn't hear baby boy if he cried out (just as it was when Big Sis was an infant) and then just after 4am, right about when I was able to fall back asleep, baby boy woke up hungry and in need of some company. I tiptoed around the upstairs closing doors trying not to wake everyone in the house and headed downstairs for the early morning feeding. My eyes hurt from the fatigue and I realized "wow...it's dark out and the crickets are still chirping!! This kinda sucks!" Now don't get me wrong, baby boy was very sweet and his smile, even in the earliest of hours, warmed my heart to the core but now more than ever, I found myself truly questioning if I really truly wanted to do this full time. As the morning carried on, baby boy took a short 1/2 hr nap and I had to wake him for his 6:30am dose of medicine for his acid reflux issues when he was once again awake until his late morning nap. Within the next hour the rest of the family was up and our Saturday was underway despite my overwhelming feelings of fatigue. I consumed large amounts of coffee as the morning progressed and at one point Brian and I looked at each other with an all knowing expression and confessed to one another that this was truly opening our eyes to what it would really mean to take on another child.

As the day wore on, I found myself counting the hours until it was time to return baby boy back to his foster mom. I found myself getting irritable at Big Sis much quicker than usual and really without any warrant, she really was just wanting to be of help. I didn't like the feeling of having to divide my attention between the two children. I felt like I was short changing Big Sis and I didn't like it. I realized that over the past week I was feeling like I was losing her because she was growing up so fast and entering kindergarten and that if I was needed by another child, it would make that distance even wider and stronger and quite frankly, I didn't want that to happen. Like I said, a real hard dose of reality!

3:00pm came and it was time to return baby boy to his foster mom. It was wonderful having him in our home despite the realization of truth. And in a sense, he gave us so much more than we gave him. Brian and I took some time that day to really discuss our future and what this realization means to us. We've come to accept that we aren't really ready to add on and that we are actually happy and content with the family we have.

Brian confessed that the adoption hadn't really been anywhere on the forefront of his mind since we were licensed and the only time he really thought about it was when he happen to look into the room with the crib in it. We talked about the pros and cons of it all and what it would really mean to go forward. We realized that we enjoy having the freedom of sleeping until 7-8am on the weekends and the new phase we've entered into the past year or so as Big Sis has gotten older. The ability to go places and do things without being strapped to a nap or feeding schedule is something we've been taking for granted. We also pondered what God might be trying to tell us. Was this His way of showing us we really aren't who we thought we were? Was this His way of stopping us? I remember someone telling me once when this whole thing started late last year and we were contemplating the whole adoption thing, they said, "God puts the desire in your heart just like He can take it away too." Were those words of guidance to stay tuned in to the matters of the heart?

In the end, what we must to do is follow our hearts and follow the peace. We no longer have peace when we consider the possibility of adding on to our family. We do have peace when we look at what we have and feel like we need to cherish it, honor it and nurture it just the way it is. For me personally, the past 5-6 days have brought mixed feelings. I have some sadness for the loss of a dream that I thought I wanted. And I also have joy in knowing that God loves me, despite my inability to serve Him the way that I thought He wanted me to. I'm starting to understand more that it really isn't about the destination but the journey. I'm a work in progress and I'm certainly much harder on myself than I probably should be. I want to make a difference and I thought laying my life down for a foster/adopt child was it. What I'm realizing though is that maybe I'm just not in the place God wants me to be in where that can truly happen with a pure heart. I still want to serve Him and I will. It will just look different than I thought.