Blue Monday

Monday (9/10) began with taking Big Sis to school and picking up a registration packet to enroll Big Bro for school the next day. Big Bro and Lil Sis returned home with me and we waited for the Child Welfare people to show up with a few things that were left behind at the last foster home along with some paper work.

Mid morning came and they arrived and anxiety quickly set in for the kids. While the workers were here half way through the visit my cell phone rang. I noticed it was my dad's phone number and thought it strange that he was calling me in the middle of the day. On a random Monday for no particular reason. Residing in Las Vegas my dad and I spoke mostly on birthdays, holidays or other big events, but not randomly for no real reason in the middle of the day. Something inside me sensed that something was wrong. I stared at the phone for what seemed like minutes as it continued to chime away and suddenly I was faced with a decision...do I answer it or let it go to voice mail? Quickly I hit the receive button just in time and answered, hello. Immediately I did not recognize the voice on the other end as the woman proceeded to break the horrible news to me that my dad had just suffered a massive heart attack while at work and had passed away that morning. I was overcome instantly with grief and sorrow and couldn't believe this was all happening now. There was no way I could go and help my step mom (who is from Poland and speaks very little English) and that's what they were asking me to do right away. I had to gather my emotions and contact my brother, my aunt and my mom. And of course Brian. I had to count on my brother to take care of things immediately since he lived only hours away in Arizona. I tried desperately to contain the emotions that were flooding in but it was too overwhelming. I knew though that I had to pull myself together and break the news to Big Bro and Lil Sis who were wondering what in the heck was wrong. I thank God that His timing is perfect and that the 2 Child Services women were at my home. They could help me occupy the children while I digested the news and gathered my emotions.

Although I was so overcome with grief that I would never talk to my dad again, that I didn't get to say good-bye and my heart was breaking that my daddy was gone forever, through the storm I truly felt God's peace inside me. I could see the purpose in it all and realized that as bad as it sounds it couldn't have been better timing. Now the children could watch me grieve and see what it looks like to express emotions you feel when faced with such a loss in a proper way. I could relate to their loss on a better level and I could help walk them through this time of trial in their life while walking through it myself. Wow! Talk about the Holy Spirit moving me, teaching me and holding me every step of the way. For the first time in my life I was actually feeling joy amongst sorrow just as the bible talks about. For me it has been simply amazing to feel God's love so greatly and I feel so blessed by it all. I'm still grieving and the tears flow but each day it gets better and I know that God is still sovereign over it all.