Deep in the Trenches

Although it's only Wednesday, it's already been a long week. Monday found me in tears completely worn out from a weekend full of constant bickering, pushing of buttons and testing of boundaries by Big Bro. Commitment and perseverance are too words which I've found myself pondering over the past few days. Knowing that we have brought these children into our home wanting to make a difference yet feeling that most of the time it's an uphill journey makes this a battle that is tough to fight at times.

There are moments when Brian and I are so worn down that it seems we are going to break against the pressure and push. I have to remind myself everyday of where these kids have come from and what they have been through. Getting a 6 year old to understand that his world is no longer the dysfunctional world he came from but one of safety, trust, rules and consequences is a big job for this simple minded mom. I want it all to be better now but I know this is going to take time. I have to renew my mind and my heart daily to stay strong against the forces that I can't see and that have such a strong hold on this little boy. I need to remind myself that although his behavior is not ok nor allowed, it also needs to be understood. I'm learning a great deal not only about him but about myself.

Over the past day or two I have really been trying to drive home the impact of choices. I've reminded Big Bro that he CAN make good choices even though it's hard to do. And when he does, it's PRAISE, PRAISE, PRAISE. It clearly is a psychological truth that positive reinforcement does work. Today was a half day (early release) at school. I offered a great reward for good choices made at school and if I could get a positive report from his teacher (which I had yet to get) he'd receive what I promised. Low and behold - I got a good report! While walking out of school I said to him, "doesn't it feel good to make good choices?" and his reply was, "no, it feels hard." I replied, "but you did it! And that's great." Then his next answer was so telling of where this little boys self esteem truly is, he said, "yeah but I can't do it for a whole day." I knelt down to his level and I said, "you did it for today, and I think that is great. It's a start, right? You did it for a half day and that is a great start."

So, the battle continues and while I lay deep in the trenches daily, fighting the best fight I can possible fight while heavily relying on a power far beyond myself, I will hold onto these small moments of progress. Because even the smallest of steps of good choices is progress and moving forward is what really matters.