A delay in processing (in more ways than one)

Just in case you're wondering...we're still waiting for our license to be finalized. Last week we went to the mailbox only to discover that my fingerprints for my background check came back again from the state as "unable to process" by the State Patrol offices. It appeared they were too smudged to process yet AGAIN. Therefore, in a lapse of cognitive recognition that this IS after all, under God's control and He is the one running the show, I flew into a rage of frustration that once again I would have to go into the police station to get my fingerprints done. I mean, I just didn't have time for this - I had better things to do like go to the gym, take my daughter to swim lessons, give her a haircut, clean the house, treats to bake for dance class. I didn't want to be burdened with this chore that would take time away from my day. The letter the prints were returned with said I needed to go back to the original place I had them done but in doing so I knew they would be rejected for probably a third time because this person was not experienced enough to get clear enough prints. This was obvious to me as this was the second time they had come back after I had already gone back to that original place once before.

And so, with the frustration of knowing this was delaying the entire process I set out to a sheriff office in a nearby town to get my prints redone, only to have them turn me away at the door telling me I had to get them done in my home town. This of course was not the truth as Brian didn't have his done in our hometown originally and his went through with flying colors. I simply figured they just didn't want to do it and so they fed me a line to get me to go away. Nevertheless they wouldn't print me which only added to my frustration level. I went home and flew into a fit of tears while on the phone with my poor husband because this seemingly just wasn't going right. Why did it have to be so hard to just get a decent set of prints done?! Why was this becoming such a pain?! Why can't this just get done right and we get licensed?! I decided to call the foster license office to verify that I could actually go somewhere else and they confirmed that I could. And so, after deciding my day was pretty much shot as far what I had planned on doing, I headed south to another larger city nearby to get the prints redone there. After getting there it seemed I just couldn't win when I was informed they didn't take checks (it cost $10 to get fingerprinted) so Big Sis and I had to trek 2 blocks to an ATM at the courthouse. Finally, after much frustration, I finally got what looked like to be a good set of prints and dropped them off at the licensing office in person hoping to speed the process along. (note the desire to control the situation and therefore lacking the awareness that I am NOT in control - God is!)

So, the week progressed on and the crisis was soon over although my handling of it was certainly not one I could report as being a stellar example of peace in the midst of chaos. However, today at church I had a bit of an awakening. I was reminded once again that God is so full of mercy, grace and love. For He loves me even when I myself, am so ignorant of my lack of faith, and He loves me enough to gently point it out to me in a way in which I can recognize it, repent of it and release it unto Him. I realized today that God is Sovereign over every aspect of my life. And that because those fingerprints came back to me to do for a third time, there is a reason, even though I don't see it yet. As I look back at a mere 6 days ago and realize that instead of getting mad I should have been praising God for stepping in a delaying the process. For He knows where this is going and I do not. He knows the end result and I do not. And because of that the fingerprints needed to take longer. Maybe the child He has for us isn't even born yet and therefore it needs to take a little longer for His timing to play out. Maybe...I don't know. But He does and at this point I am just so grateful that although it took me a week, I now see He is working even when I think He isn't. I realize now I have even more growing to do than I thought. I'm grateful that He is working in me and helping me to see where my faith is weak. I'm a work in progress that's for sure and I will continue learning, that I'm even more sure. I'm just so grateful I have the best Teacher one could have.

Thank you Lord that you are Sovereign over every aspect of my life. I pray that I will remember this every day as I walk with you. Thank you for your grace, your mercy and above all your love. ~ Amen

A Lesson in Patience

Our home study interview visit last Friday went great! However, I myself had a rough couple of days during the process. I've learned a lot over the past couple of days and I'm sure I'm going to have to return to this lesson again and again as I practice patience in this long journey. Let me begin by giving a little history. Back when we were in our first classes in Feb. we heard of a little baby boy who had been born that day. The foster mom was visiting our class and was getting ready to go pick him up from the hospital. His mother had him and then took off (I was told to go get high). You see, after this little guy was born he was tested positive for meth, cocaine and heroine. I have a co-worker who I've mentioned earlier who is closely knitted with the foster parent community and is one herself, so periodically I would ask how this little guy was doing. Apparently he was having some medical issues with acid reflux and needed surgery on his stomach to cut an opening so the food could pass through (which is becoming more and more common amongst the drug babies) it has some big medical name which I can't remember - but you get the drift right? Anyway, they say he is now doing much better.

Ok, now keep this history in mind as it has often popped into my mind throughout the past couple of months while waiting for the home study to go it's course. Now, let's travel to last Wed. (2 days prior to home study interviews) as I had the opportunity to attend a training for foster parents even though I am technically not one yet. Once you become a foster parent in our state you are required to take 12 hours of on going credit each year to remain licensed. This class would be (if I was already licensed) one that would count as ongoing credit. Anyway, the class was titled The Effects of Early Neglect on Childhood Development. WOW!! It was a doozey! Information that was shocking, depressing and mind boggling as to what happens when a baby is simply not cared for properly. The increased risk of death, harm and irreversible damage was frightening. They talked about the relationship between neglect and attachment disorders and how kids end up not being able to self regulate their emotions and as a result end up having difficulties throughout childhood in school, families and other relationships. The real depressing part is that it's much harder for social workers to diagnose or pin point when a child is being neglected because there are usually no outward signs as there is with physical and sexual abuse. I could go on and on about what I learned but let me summarize it with this, the class left me questioning if I could really do this and it left me worried about the unknown.

Then came Thursday. That evening there was a pie and coffee social hour that takes place once a month for foster parents. I attended hoping to meet the placement coordinator for our area so that she could put a face to the name that will come across her desk soon. I want her to get to know us and know exactly what we are looking for so when the right child comes along she's able to ask us about the placement. As I drove to the restaurant I wondered if the foster mom that is caring for the baby boy I mentioned earlier would be at this social. Sure enough when I walked in she was and so was baby. I cheerfully introduced myself and told her I was wondering if they would be there. I went on to say how I'd often thought about this little guy and wondered how he was doing. She went on to explain his issues in detail, his surgery experience and his ongoing problems with his acid reflux. She also said, "you can hold him if you want". And so, I carefully unbuckled him from his carrier and lifted him into my lap. As I looked into his face, I thought "Could I be his future mommy? Could I mother this baby into adulthood?" And then a strange and probably not such a good thing happened. I knew in my gut that this baby probably wasn't the baby for me, I just didn't feel a connection on that level but I did feel a sadness for him and my heart went out to him for the pain he has already suffered and will continue to suffer. I began to work myself up into an emotional connection forcing the possibility of becoming his mommy. I led the foster mom on to think that I truly was interested because part of me felt like I was - like I was called to help the helpless and this was it. Time passed and it was time to go and I said good-bye to the foster mom. She gave me a photo to take home to show Brian.

When I returned home I showed Brian the picture and explained his problems medically and Brian knew instantly this wasn't the baby for us. I then was faced with a let down that I still have a hard time putting words to, to label and explain the mixed emotions I was feeling. Guilt is a word I'm beginning to identify with in a new way. By questioning if I can even mother a child so difficult and then admitting I'm not sure if I really can makes a part of me feel guilty.

The next morning I woke early. Wanting desperately to stay in bed and sleep I knew I had to spend some time with my Heavenly Father and pray and seek His face on this situation. As expected, He didn't let me down and I was comforted and spoken to by His spirit. He led me to Psalm 27 where I found such comfort as it spoke directly to my heart and it brought me to tears. Verse 14, the final verse in this Psalm, is one I've been holding onto ever since and I realized even more over the course of the weekend how direct God was being with me. It says "Wait on the LORD, be of good courage and He shall strengthen your heart. Wait, I say, on the LORD!"

As Friday afternoon came, our licensor interviewed us and all went well. I made a point of asking him directly about a specific child I had seen on the internet listing for adoption. The write ups are sometime worded in a way in which those on the "inside" know the true meaning behind the descriptions. He was very honest and upfront with me and I'm grateful for that. He explained a little more through his experiences the differences between alcohol affected children and drug affected children. It appears alcohol affects are much worse. We then got into further conversation about this particular baby boy that is currently in care. He then pretty much told me point blank, this is not the baby for you and it would be a mistake to try and get him. He said that they have a list of expectant mothers who will be delivering babies in the next 6 months and that if I, together with Brian, set our expectations for what we want and DON'T BUDGE, we will get the baby that is right for us. Naturally, this made me feel better but also nervous about buckling when I hear a sob story of a baby in need. I know that this is when I will lean on Brian a great deal as (due to the way God made men) he is much more able to not be so emotional about every child that comes our way. And he is really cued into his gut feelings and trusts them, as do I, to lead him in the right direction.

So what does this all come down to? Patience. I must remember that God knows what we can handle and what we can't. I know that He already has the child picked out for us. I must remember that in His time He will make it known who that baby is. I must remember to trust that He will let me know deep within me that when that baby comes across my path I will know it. Until then, I most importantly must remember to hold onto the promises of His word and be of courage as He strengthens my heart. I must remember to Wait on the LORD!

The Home Study

Our home study couldn't begin until our references returned their information. Thankfully they were all pretty quick about it and we were called in about 3 weeks to set up our home investigation, the first of three visits for the home study. As we prepared by doing things such as babyproofing plugs and cupboards, securing all medicines in a locked drawer and ordering a fire ladder we realized this was becoming more of a reality and it was certainly going to change our living conditions to say the least. We retrieved all of our baby equipment out of storage that we were saving for my brother "just in case" and Big Sis got to move to a bigger room. This also meant rearranging closets, painting and organizing rooms making space for one more comfortably.

The first visit went well and within a couple of weeks we were called to set up our 2nd visit - the interviews. This one makes us a little more nervous as it will take approximately 2 hours while the licensor asks detailed intimate questions of all of us, as to our lives past and present, attitudes and readiness for this journey we're entering into. This visit is schedule for this coming Friday and if all goes well we anticipate being licensed within the next few weeks when at that point we could be placed at any time with a precious child God has chosen for us to foster and hopefully adopt into our family.

The Process for Foster/Adoption begins

Once we decided that foster/adopt was the way to go for us we decided to get the ball rolling right away. Turned out that in just a couple of weeks from making the decision that our county was offering the required PRIDE class that would take 30 hours to complete over the course of two weekends. We quickly realized that this would take some sacrifice right away from more than just us. Thankfully Nana & Papa are near by and were willing to take Big Sis for the required weekends in Feb. Big Sis realized the sacrifice on her part when she had to miss her dear friend's birthday party from our old neighborhood. But with a little effort we made a special trip to celebrate just a few day past her birthday. And Brian would probably have to make the most painful sacrifice of all and miss the beloved opening race of the Nascar season - the Daytona 500! Thankfully he had his Blackberry and was able to get updates via the wireless web throughout the day.

Once the classes began reality set in. After the first full day of class Brian and I looked at each other and were in amazement that we were now considered one of "those couples". By that I mean we always looked at people who did foster care as a whole different breed. People who had a strength in which we felt we couldn't even come close to. And yet, here we were by the grace of God embarking on the adventure in becoming those type of people. It was rather strange quite honestly as we felt both humbled and extremely blessed over the course of the next 4 classes. Hearing stories of the abuse that takes place in innocent kids lives and the affects of it is enough to outrage a person. We learned so much information that was also applicable to daily living and we came away feeling more educated, better equipped and more confident that this was really something we wanted and needed to do.

Submitting our packet of information was the next step and it was one that included LOTS of paperwork from background checks, fingerprinting, writing biography's, financial statements, personal information and references. It was a paper mountain that would take us almost a month to finally complete and submit. Then our home study would come next as the final process before being licensed.

The cost (and I don't mean money)

So what would mean to foster/adopt? What would it cost us? Virtually nothing in the way of financial expense but emotionally - it could cost way more than we could ever expect. The emotional risk of foster/adopting is that we could connect so closely and intimately with a child, hoping and expecting them to become part of our family only to loose them back to their birth parents or other family members who are willing to adopt them. We could be placed with a child with soul wounds so deep that pain and struggle are inevidable. Pain that can't be understood by us no matter how hard we try. We could recieve a child with physical ailments that might never heal because his mother made a choice to drink alcohol and do drugs while he grew inside her.

This is a very BIG risk for all of us. Each in our own way will need to come to grips with this potential pain that we might incur and when it comes to big sis, we'll just have to walk with her through it should it come to such a loss. But we must also keep in our minds and hearts the real truth of the matter. Simply put, the gains outweigh the risks. At times, it is a little scary to think about all the things that are ahead of us in this journey. At times, I ask myself, are we crazy? Our life is perfect (well almost). Our home is pleasant, loving and virtually it's a pretty easy ride day to day - so why in the world would we want to invite possible chaos into the mix? Why would we want to invite a baby or a child with the potential of taking every emotional and physical energy out of us into home and into our lives? Why? The question isn't so much why as it is, why not?

We are a stable, supportive and loving family. We can give a child who otherwise might not have a chance at EVER experiencing that in their life, if even for a short time (but hopefully forever) the chance to see and experience love at it's deepest level. Love that loves simply because it chooses to, not because you were born "in to" it. Why would we not want to bless a child with love, support and a people to call family forever? In the end, we are all called to love one another and that's what we intend to do.

Moving forward

During our time in Seattle and once we returned home we discussed the many options on how or where to adopt from. International/Domestic, white/ethnic, boy/girl, baby/child, private agency/state system. The choices were daunting as we slowly had to figure out what God's will for us in this would be. I continued to keep the wise words of a teacher/pastor at my church in mind, "you know it's from God if you knock and the door opens, if you have to bang the door down, it's probably not from God".

First we decided we definitely wanted to go domestic. I struggled with this initially only because of my dream with the baby Asian girl. However, after more prayer and thought, I came to peace with the notion that there are so many children right here in our very own backyard, so to speak, that need homes - why complicate the issue by going half way around the world. After we decided where we wanted to adopt from, the next step was how. I began researching on the web and requested a packet from a local Christian agency. I was blown away when I opened the information to find it would cost upwards of $20,000 to adopt a baby locally. We didn't have $20,000 just laying around and we weren't about to go into debt to add on to our family. We then found out about a local adoption fair and decided to shop around for a less expensive option. We realized that adopting a baby through private adoption was just too expensive and I also felt that it was a little selfish of me to put myself in the large pool of mom's wanting a "healthy baby" who couldn't naturally concieve. I could and I did already. I've already had the experience of carrying and birthing a baby from the start and there are so many other women out there who won't ever get that experience, they should get first dibs so to speak at the "healthy babies".

At the adoption fair we came across another Christian agency that specialized in placing children from the state system. We figured this would be a good way to go. The agency would be there to help us and guide us along the way and it seemed to fit our budget a little bit better. Only a couple of thousand instead of ten's of thousands. We inquired for a packet and slowly began filling out our paperwork. This is the time when we started announcing the news to all of you (our friends and family) that we had made the decision to adopt. By now it was the holiday season and joy was in the air. But that also meant lots of holiday activities and such to keep us busy and we decided that we would wait until the first of the year to submit our packet once the holiday hustle and bustle was over. Then things would kick into gear.

January came and just before we were getting ready to submit our paperwork, a co-worker of mine who is a foster parent in our state ask me why we weren't going through our state to adopt. I simply tried to explain that I really didn't have an answer other than we felt the state wasn't really the best way to go from what we understood. She straight up told me I was wrong and that I should look into it. Then, in the same week a friend from church told me of someone she was friends with who had foster/adopted from the state and recommended I talked to her. I then got in contact with her and discussed her experience. My co-worker suggested I also talk to the placement coordinator for our area about foster/adoption. I called and talked to her as well. By the end of the week, all arrows were pointing in the direction for foster/adoption and I knew I had to approach Brian on the subject.

After discussing it in detail, we come to the conclusiong that God was directing us in this direction and it truly looked like the best option for us. There was one potential problem though...and it was a biggie.

The decision

The morning after Brian dropped the bomb, so to speak, I went to church wrestling with the "what should we do" factor. Should I push the issue that maybe we should just somehow try to get pregnant ourselves or should I really seek the Lord's way on this and let Him finish what He obviously had already started. Thankfully, I recieved confirmation a number of ways through the day during worship, prayer and fellowship that this was God's plan and if I really wanted to be in God's will, I needed to submit to whatever He was trying to get started here. Part of me knew though that more prayer was needed and more thought on if this was really a road in which we were destined to go down or just another fleeting thought.

Our 9th Anniversary was fast approaching and we decided in a couple of weeks to retreat to Seattle for a weekend away to celebrate our marriage. We also both knew this would be a time to really discuss what move to make next. We knew it would be decision time.

The weekend came and it was a wonderful time together in a wonderful city. Over brunch one morning we sat and really discussed what this decision would mean. How would it affect our family and why would we be doing it. We decided that we would go forward to adopt and take our family from a party for 3 to a party of 4. Once we got back home it would be time to get the ball rolling and decide what direction to take.

How it all began

It was a quiet evening last fall in which Brian and I were eating dinner a little later than usual. Big sis had already had her supper and was upstairs playing in her room. It was nice to have a quiet meal together, something that is usually only possible when we schedule a date night alone. But tonight we got lucky and had an opportunity to eat our meal, debrief on our day without interuption and enjoy some much needed one on one adult coversation. After a few moments, Brian decided to drop the bomb on me that I never in my life would have expected, you see a couple of years prior we made the decision to go permenant birth control with the big "V" because he felt he was done and happy with what we were already blessed with. I on the other had secretly longed for at least one more child in my heart but felt I needed to submit to my husband's wishes and not "push" the issue. After all, I feel that raising children is a duel effort and if one's heart isn't fully in it - it's just dangerous territory to tread.

Anyway, so there I was enjoying my risotto and suddenly Brian says to me, "There's something I need to talk to you about. Something's been on my mind for a couple of weeks now and no matter how hard I try, I can't seem to shake it." My heart sunk for a quick moment thinking "oh no...what could it be?" Then he says, "I'm thinking I might want to adopt". I about fell out of my chair!! I couldn't believe the words I was hearing and was both elated and shocked at the same time.

I probably need to back up here for minute and explain how I feel the Lord had also been preparing my heart to recieve this news. A few days prior I awoke puzzled after having a very vivid dream that I was putting a baby asian girl in a car seat in the back seat of our car next to big sister. She asked, "mommy, why is she crying?" And I said, "because babies cry sometimes especially when they aren't very happy." I believe that this was God's way of preparing my heart. We are not adopting internationally BUT I feel like I needed to have this type of dream to prepare my heart for "adoption". For if it had been a white baby, I probably wouldn't have considered it to be an adopted child.

So, after Brian gave his announcement, the conversation went on for a couple of hours that evening hashing through all the possibilities and ways of having another baby. Could we have the big V reversed? Would it be too much money, too much risk and too much uncertainty? Not to mention the pain Brian would have to undergo and we all know that didn't go over well. What about invetro? Could we do that? We talked about several ways in which we could get ourselves pregnant, questioning if that's what we should do. That night I prayed and wondered what would come of all this. I pondered what God could possibly be doing here. And I wondered should we try to get pregnant ourselves or is that messing with what God is trying do here??