Bittersweet Good-bye

The kids were picked up by their social worker about an hour and half ago. The final few days in our home have been an emotional roller coaster for all of us. There were times when even Big Sis was brought to tears crying "I can't wait until their gone". But then again she's 5 and it's been hard for her to adjust to the sibling rivalry that she was thrust into over the course of the last month. This morning as she said her good-byes while being dropped off at school there were no tears but hugs and a quick good-bye. Something I wouldn't have expected. I thought she would break down and cry and make a big scene since she is a very emotional person (much like her mom). This only confirmed to me that this really has taken a toll on her and she's really is ready for it to be over. I anticipate there may be some tears today after school when she realizes they really are gone and there is no longer any one to play make believe with at any given moment.

I on the other hand didn't get off so easy when it came to the final good-bye. As we loaded the kids into the van and everything they'd acquired with us in the past month, I had mixed emotions. Part of me was relieved that tension, stress, yelling and bickering will become a little less familiar but another part of me was sad to see them go. As I helped the social worker load the kids things and handed her their paperwork, she made a point of telling me, "You've done a great job with the kids." She mentioned especially Big Bro and how "he is a new kid". She said there was no way she could have done this a month ago. She was very pleased as to how the kids were doing and credited us to doing a great job. Part of me felt good about that but another part of me wishes I could have done more. What? I don't really know...

After the car was loaded I took a moment to say my good-byes. I promised myself I would hold it together until after the kids drove away, but no luck. As I hugged Big Bro and looked him in the eye to tell him to be strong, my eyes filled with tears and all I could do is just hug him tight again. I reminded him to always remember everything we talked about and that God is always with him. I told him I will continue to pray for him even after he's gone. Then there was lil Sis. At just turned 3 she wasn't quite comprehending the fullness of all that was happening. I suppose it will hit her tonight when it's time for bed and she once again is in a new bed and the person who she was now calling mommy isn't the one tucking her in. I just hugged her tight and told her I love her and her sweet little voice replied back, "I love you too". And that was it...the tears began to flow and I had to put her in the car quick before I had a complete meltdown right in my own driveway. I took one final look at Big Bro and told him, "remember, it's an adventure!" Something my mom always told me when change was tough as a kid. As the car pulled away I waved and blew kisses to the kids, and the tears streamed down my face, knowing that this chapter was now coming to an end.

In store for them now is another time of adjustment and learning how to live in another new family. This one however, wants to make it permenant, so I will continue to pray that all goes according to God's greater plan.

And for us...well, once again there will be another adjustment period as we return back to the way things used to be. However, even as I type this statement I fully know, we never really will return back to the way we used to be. This experience has changed us and our outlook on our family in so many ways. And we too will continue on our journey as God has willed it to be.

A Time for Everything

Limits. We all have them. The problem is that sometimes people will discover their limits only to push beyond them not recognizing that limits are put in place for a reason. Going beyond one's limits can sometimes distroy everything in its path. A person can make a strong effort to push past their limits and risk everything they have in order to see how far they can go simply because of pride. We are recognizing we do not want to be those kind of people.

We have recently come to recognize and accept our limits as to what we are capable of handling. For Brian, the choas and disobience is just too much. For me, it's watching my loved one's, those closest to me, suffer for a sacrifice that I felt called to give. But for everything there is a season. And this week we made the call to end this journey and ask that the foster children be removed from our home. We're simply tapped out and feel we can't go on with the daily grind of caring for two very needy children without losing our own family in the process.

At first, this was a decision that I felt great pain and sorrow over. I grappled with feelings of failure, guilt and remorse that we just can't do any more. I felt fear over the possibility that these two kids would get bounced into a system where they could be lost forever. But over the past 24 hours I've found hope and God has shown me that He is a God that sees everything long before we do. My prayers have been answered and the child welfare workers have found a permanent adoptive placement for Big Bro and Lil Sis and we will be making the transition on Monday. I believe this will be a good home for them and a place where they can grow into the people God intended for them to be. In the end it's good.

So, for the next 5 days we will do our best to push past the frustration of repeated reminders about the little things (that really are the big things) and the constant bickering amongst whining and screaming. In the meantime we ask for your prayers to carry us through these final days and hours. Tomorrow marks a month from the moment the children first arrived and I believe we have made a difference. Maybe more so that we'll ever know. But also, I feel we must dig deep to get us through probably the most critical time of this journey - the time in which it must come to end.

Ecclesiastes 3: 1-8

To everything there is a season,

A time for every purpose under heaven:
A time to be born,
And a time to die;
A time to plant,
And a time to pluck what is planted;
A time to kill,
And a time to heal;
A time to break down,
And a time to build up;
A time to weep,
And a time to laugh;
A time to mourn,
And a time to dance;
A time to cast away stones,
And a time to gather stones;
A time to embrace,
And a time to refrain from embracing;
A time to gain,
And a time to lose;
A time to keep,
And a time to throw away;
A time to tear,
And a time to sew;
A time to keep silence,
And a time to speak;
A time to love,
And a time to hate;
A time of war,
And a time of peace.

The Edge of Time