Deep in the Trenches

Although it's only Wednesday, it's already been a long week. Monday found me in tears completely worn out from a weekend full of constant bickering, pushing of buttons and testing of boundaries by Big Bro. Commitment and perseverance are too words which I've found myself pondering over the past few days. Knowing that we have brought these children into our home wanting to make a difference yet feeling that most of the time it's an uphill journey makes this a battle that is tough to fight at times.

There are moments when Brian and I are so worn down that it seems we are going to break against the pressure and push. I have to remind myself everyday of where these kids have come from and what they have been through. Getting a 6 year old to understand that his world is no longer the dysfunctional world he came from but one of safety, trust, rules and consequences is a big job for this simple minded mom. I want it all to be better now but I know this is going to take time. I have to renew my mind and my heart daily to stay strong against the forces that I can't see and that have such a strong hold on this little boy. I need to remind myself that although his behavior is not ok nor allowed, it also needs to be understood. I'm learning a great deal not only about him but about myself.

Over the past day or two I have really been trying to drive home the impact of choices. I've reminded Big Bro that he CAN make good choices even though it's hard to do. And when he does, it's PRAISE, PRAISE, PRAISE. It clearly is a psychological truth that positive reinforcement does work. Today was a half day (early release) at school. I offered a great reward for good choices made at school and if I could get a positive report from his teacher (which I had yet to get) he'd receive what I promised. Low and behold - I got a good report! While walking out of school I said to him, "doesn't it feel good to make good choices?" and his reply was, "no, it feels hard." I replied, "but you did it! And that's great." Then his next answer was so telling of where this little boys self esteem truly is, he said, "yeah but I can't do it for a whole day." I knelt down to his level and I said, "you did it for today, and I think that is great. It's a start, right? You did it for a half day and that is a great start."

So, the battle continues and while I lay deep in the trenches daily, fighting the best fight I can possible fight while heavily relying on a power far beyond myself, I will hold onto these small moments of progress. Because even the smallest of steps of good choices is progress and moving forward is what really matters.

MercyMe - Bring The Rain

This song has been my anthem for the past week. With all that I've been going through, so many changes and so many emotions, I know that God has a purpose in it all. Some days are easier than others but we push through them none the less, trusting that The Lord will carry us when we are too weak to walk another step on our own. I'm so grateful for The Lord and the work He is doing in our lives. This song describes exactly how I feel. ~ Stacy


I can count a million times
People asking me how I
Can praise You with all that I've gone through
The question just amazes me
Can circumstances possibly
Change who I forever am in You
Maybe since my life was changed
Long before these rainy days
It's never really ever crossed my mind
To turn my back on you, oh Lord
My only shelter from the storm
But instead I draw closer through these times
So I pray

Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain

I am Yours regardless of
The dark clouds that may loom above
Because You are much greater than my pain
You who made a way for me
By suffering Your destiny
So tell me what's a little rain
So I pray

Holy, holy, holy
Is the Lord God Almighty

Growing Pains

It's been a little over a week that Big Bro and Lil Sis joined our family as our foster children. The time has been one of many adjustments. Adjusting to having regular bedtime schedules, rules, manners, having siblings, having 3 instead of one other plate to prepare at dinner besides my own, 3 baths instead of 1, having 3 car/booster seats to help bucket instead of one, having constant commotion in the house after coming home from a long day at work, having more than one child to remind to brush their teeth, wash their hands, use a napkin, put their shoes in the shoe basket, and on and on and on. All of us, in each of our own way, has had to cope with new emotions, new environments and a new family.


But two nights ago...Brian and I sighed a sigh of relief as it seemed to be the best night so far and things have began to settle into a bit more of a routine. We're all adjusting in our own ways but I truly feel like we're all going to be ok.


Evenings still seem to be the hardest for the kids when things settle down and it's time to get in bed where they will be faced with the quietness of night and thoughts, memories and sadness creep up. I lay my hand on each child individually and pray aloud for their healing and for God to minister to each of them in their own way. I pray that the Lord will touch these children, all three of them through me. I want to be witness to them and my husband of God's love, grace, mercy and patience. I continue to look to Him to carry me and us through all the feelings and emotions and growing pains we're experiencing. I thank God for the work He is doing in each of us. For although it is painful at times, I know He is molding us and holding us. And I praise Him for that.

Boys Don't Always Bounce

I realized within minutes of taking in Big Bro over a week ago, that I was in for my share of adjustments when it came to mothering a boy compared to a girl. There's a phrase I've often heard that says "boys bounce" - meaning that boys are much more rough and tough and put you through the ringer when it comes to how active they can be. I learned this very quickly. Couple with adjustment anxiety Big Bro definately has his share of energy. He's 100% boy and I'm learning to embrace all the new things I'm experiencing when it comes to having a son.

Thursday morning as I update this blog I was enjoying the day I would have to myself. At least until 3pm when it was time to pick everyone up from school/day care. And just as I was typing away, the phone rang. It was the elementary school. It appeared Big Bro had fallen off the monkey bars at recess and broken his arm! I rushed down to the school right away to find him in tears in the nurses office. As I wisked him away to the hospital I realized, boys don't always bounce - sometimes they break!

We spent a couple of hours in the ER only to return to the surgeon the next day for a final setting and cast. I got to be the first one to sign his cast and when asked, he suggested I sign it "mom" instead of Stacy. This I know is his way of telling me, he's learning to love, accept and embrace the changes he's had to face. My heart broke for him during the past two days because he's had so much to deal with and now he has to learn how to function with only one arm for 6 weeks! But he's doing great and is a very strong, brave boy. I can only say, he makes me very proud to be called his mom.

Blue Monday

Monday (9/10) began with taking Big Sis to school and picking up a registration packet to enroll Big Bro for school the next day. Big Bro and Lil Sis returned home with me and we waited for the Child Welfare people to show up with a few things that were left behind at the last foster home along with some paper work.

Mid morning came and they arrived and anxiety quickly set in for the kids. While the workers were here half way through the visit my cell phone rang. I noticed it was my dad's phone number and thought it strange that he was calling me in the middle of the day. On a random Monday for no particular reason. Residing in Las Vegas my dad and I spoke mostly on birthdays, holidays or other big events, but not randomly for no real reason in the middle of the day. Something inside me sensed that something was wrong. I stared at the phone for what seemed like minutes as it continued to chime away and suddenly I was faced with a decision...do I answer it or let it go to voice mail? Quickly I hit the receive button just in time and answered, hello. Immediately I did not recognize the voice on the other end as the woman proceeded to break the horrible news to me that my dad had just suffered a massive heart attack while at work and had passed away that morning. I was overcome instantly with grief and sorrow and couldn't believe this was all happening now. There was no way I could go and help my step mom (who is from Poland and speaks very little English) and that's what they were asking me to do right away. I had to gather my emotions and contact my brother, my aunt and my mom. And of course Brian. I had to count on my brother to take care of things immediately since he lived only hours away in Arizona. I tried desperately to contain the emotions that were flooding in but it was too overwhelming. I knew though that I had to pull myself together and break the news to Big Bro and Lil Sis who were wondering what in the heck was wrong. I thank God that His timing is perfect and that the 2 Child Services women were at my home. They could help me occupy the children while I digested the news and gathered my emotions.

Although I was so overcome with grief that I would never talk to my dad again, that I didn't get to say good-bye and my heart was breaking that my daddy was gone forever, through the storm I truly felt God's peace inside me. I could see the purpose in it all and realized that as bad as it sounds it couldn't have been better timing. Now the children could watch me grieve and see what it looks like to express emotions you feel when faced with such a loss in a proper way. I could relate to their loss on a better level and I could help walk them through this time of trial in their life while walking through it myself. Wow! Talk about the Holy Spirit moving me, teaching me and holding me every step of the way. For the first time in my life I was actually feeling joy amongst sorrow just as the bible talks about. For me it has been simply amazing to feel God's love so greatly and I feel so blessed by it all. I'm still grieving and the tears flow but each day it gets better and I know that God is still sovereign over it all.

One plus Two is THREE!

When making the decision to foster Big Bro and Lil Sis, the biggest factor was that we tried to rationalize the thought of suddenly having 3 kids to take care of. I'm not sure if this is a thought that is even capable of being rationalized! Even the sound of saying "I have 3 kids" still makes me shake my head in awe and think, is it really possible. But time keeps on moving forward and doesn't wait for us to be ready for whatever life throws at us and so we just decided to take it one day, one hour and one situation at a time. We made the kids more comfortable and moved Big Bro into his bedroom by removing the crib that still hadn't been taken down yet and Lil Sis was already sharing a room with Big Sis. It just so happens that Big Sis has bunk beds, not to mention toys coming out of her ears! One of the perks of being an only child was getting pretty much everything you want within reason. We took the children to church Sunday morning and listened to a sermon titled "In Everything give Thanks". I have comfort in knowing that this is God's plan. I can see His hand in it in so many ways. For example, on thing they told me is that Big Bro has a love for fishing. You can only imagine the look in his eyes when they drove up and he spotted the fishing boat beside our house. Big Bro also loves to pick blackberries - we have several wild blackberry bushes on our property and directly across our street. Lil Sis loves animals, especially cats. Our next door neighbor has a cat who reproduces faster than rabbits and just had a litter of 7 kittens a mere 6 weeks ago. Can you say coincidence? Well, I say it can only be a God thing.

And so, the adjustment period was officially underway. Sunday evening came and we sat down to a family dinner with a table that now barely accommodated our family size and we slowly began to see what this will all mean for each and every one of us. So many adjustments that we all can't even begin to think what the next few days might look like. No more left overs for starters and learning about manners and house rules was first on the learning curve.

Sadness was clearly evident, especially in Lil Sis who will be turning 3 in a couple of weeks. She occasionally would break down and cry "I want my mommy" not really comprehending that she will never see who she considers mommy ever again. Big Bro has lots of pain and anxiety as well that we are working with. This would only increase as Monday would be next and that meant registering for school and being "the new kid" in his 1st grade class.

One door closes, another opens

Once again, I find myself beyond words as I sit down to fill you all in about our life and what has happened as of late. Two weeks ago when I posted about our decision to stop the adoption process, I would have NEVER guessed we'd be in the position we are in now. So much has changed since that post in such a short amount of time.

One week ago we were faced with a call from Child Welfare Services about two siblings who were now in care and in need of a permanent home. This is after we told them we were done and not looking to adopt anymore. Due to legal obligations I cannot disclose why they were now in foster care but I can say that I was told these two children (6 year old boy, 2 year old girl) were rare entities that come through the foster care system. They are legally free (ready to be adopted) They don't have any major issues and have the chance to become well adjusted "normal" kids. They are just emotionally hurting really bad and need a family who can help them grieve the loss of the only home they've ever known. To make an extremely long story short God so strongly placed on my heart that these children needed to come be with us that a thorough thought process was underway as to what should we do? After 24 hrs of finding out more about them Brian and I made the decision to take them in for the weekend to at least get them out of another foster home they were temporary placed in and go from there.

One week ago we welcomed Big Bro and Lil Sis into our home and life has certainly been incredibly different! I ended taking all three children - Big Sis, and the two foster kids to a large Fair in our State for two days so that Big Sis could show her sheep with Nana and Papa. Call me crazy, call me a gluten for punishment or just call me blessed! I was a wild 48 hrs with all 3 kids BY MYSELF - talk about a constant adrenaline rush, but it was also so much fun and a time in which I'm sure none of us will ever forget. After I arrived back home on Saturday evening, Brian and I were faced with the decision of what to do. Child Welfare was looking to us to commit to adopting them but we were so unsure of if we could say yes to such a permanent decision without getting a chance to fully adjust to the idea yet. We weighed it all out, what would this mean to our current life? It in no doubt would change every single thing about it. We talked a lot and I prayed that God would align our hearts. We decided that for now, we were only capable of helping them get stabilized until they could find an adoptive home. This would mean that they would be staying with us for quite some time - how long we don't really know - and that we were agreeing to help them heal and stabilize them emotionally and assist in transitioning them.