Bittersweet Good-bye

The kids were picked up by their social worker about an hour and half ago. The final few days in our home have been an emotional roller coaster for all of us. There were times when even Big Sis was brought to tears crying "I can't wait until their gone". But then again she's 5 and it's been hard for her to adjust to the sibling rivalry that she was thrust into over the course of the last month. This morning as she said her good-byes while being dropped off at school there were no tears but hugs and a quick good-bye. Something I wouldn't have expected. I thought she would break down and cry and make a big scene since she is a very emotional person (much like her mom). This only confirmed to me that this really has taken a toll on her and she's really is ready for it to be over. I anticipate there may be some tears today after school when she realizes they really are gone and there is no longer any one to play make believe with at any given moment.

I on the other hand didn't get off so easy when it came to the final good-bye. As we loaded the kids into the van and everything they'd acquired with us in the past month, I had mixed emotions. Part of me was relieved that tension, stress, yelling and bickering will become a little less familiar but another part of me was sad to see them go. As I helped the social worker load the kids things and handed her their paperwork, she made a point of telling me, "You've done a great job with the kids." She mentioned especially Big Bro and how "he is a new kid". She said there was no way she could have done this a month ago. She was very pleased as to how the kids were doing and credited us to doing a great job. Part of me felt good about that but another part of me wishes I could have done more. What? I don't really know...

After the car was loaded I took a moment to say my good-byes. I promised myself I would hold it together until after the kids drove away, but no luck. As I hugged Big Bro and looked him in the eye to tell him to be strong, my eyes filled with tears and all I could do is just hug him tight again. I reminded him to always remember everything we talked about and that God is always with him. I told him I will continue to pray for him even after he's gone. Then there was lil Sis. At just turned 3 she wasn't quite comprehending the fullness of all that was happening. I suppose it will hit her tonight when it's time for bed and she once again is in a new bed and the person who she was now calling mommy isn't the one tucking her in. I just hugged her tight and told her I love her and her sweet little voice replied back, "I love you too". And that was it...the tears began to flow and I had to put her in the car quick before I had a complete meltdown right in my own driveway. I took one final look at Big Bro and told him, "remember, it's an adventure!" Something my mom always told me when change was tough as a kid. As the car pulled away I waved and blew kisses to the kids, and the tears streamed down my face, knowing that this chapter was now coming to an end.

In store for them now is another time of adjustment and learning how to live in another new family. This one however, wants to make it permenant, so I will continue to pray that all goes according to God's greater plan.

And for us...well, once again there will be another adjustment period as we return back to the way things used to be. However, even as I type this statement I fully know, we never really will return back to the way we used to be. This experience has changed us and our outlook on our family in so many ways. And we too will continue on our journey as God has willed it to be.

A Time for Everything

Limits. We all have them. The problem is that sometimes people will discover their limits only to push beyond them not recognizing that limits are put in place for a reason. Going beyond one's limits can sometimes distroy everything in its path. A person can make a strong effort to push past their limits and risk everything they have in order to see how far they can go simply because of pride. We are recognizing we do not want to be those kind of people.

We have recently come to recognize and accept our limits as to what we are capable of handling. For Brian, the choas and disobience is just too much. For me, it's watching my loved one's, those closest to me, suffer for a sacrifice that I felt called to give. But for everything there is a season. And this week we made the call to end this journey and ask that the foster children be removed from our home. We're simply tapped out and feel we can't go on with the daily grind of caring for two very needy children without losing our own family in the process.

At first, this was a decision that I felt great pain and sorrow over. I grappled with feelings of failure, guilt and remorse that we just can't do any more. I felt fear over the possibility that these two kids would get bounced into a system where they could be lost forever. But over the past 24 hours I've found hope and God has shown me that He is a God that sees everything long before we do. My prayers have been answered and the child welfare workers have found a permanent adoptive placement for Big Bro and Lil Sis and we will be making the transition on Monday. I believe this will be a good home for them and a place where they can grow into the people God intended for them to be. In the end it's good.

So, for the next 5 days we will do our best to push past the frustration of repeated reminders about the little things (that really are the big things) and the constant bickering amongst whining and screaming. In the meantime we ask for your prayers to carry us through these final days and hours. Tomorrow marks a month from the moment the children first arrived and I believe we have made a difference. Maybe more so that we'll ever know. But also, I feel we must dig deep to get us through probably the most critical time of this journey - the time in which it must come to end.

Ecclesiastes 3: 1-8

To everything there is a season,

A time for every purpose under heaven:
A time to be born,
And a time to die;
A time to plant,
And a time to pluck what is planted;
A time to kill,
And a time to heal;
A time to break down,
And a time to build up;
A time to weep,
And a time to laugh;
A time to mourn,
And a time to dance;
A time to cast away stones,
And a time to gather stones;
A time to embrace,
And a time to refrain from embracing;
A time to gain,
And a time to lose;
A time to keep,
And a time to throw away;
A time to tear,
And a time to sew;
A time to keep silence,
And a time to speak;
A time to love,
And a time to hate;
A time of war,
And a time of peace.

The Edge of Time

Deep in the Trenches

Although it's only Wednesday, it's already been a long week. Monday found me in tears completely worn out from a weekend full of constant bickering, pushing of buttons and testing of boundaries by Big Bro. Commitment and perseverance are too words which I've found myself pondering over the past few days. Knowing that we have brought these children into our home wanting to make a difference yet feeling that most of the time it's an uphill journey makes this a battle that is tough to fight at times.

There are moments when Brian and I are so worn down that it seems we are going to break against the pressure and push. I have to remind myself everyday of where these kids have come from and what they have been through. Getting a 6 year old to understand that his world is no longer the dysfunctional world he came from but one of safety, trust, rules and consequences is a big job for this simple minded mom. I want it all to be better now but I know this is going to take time. I have to renew my mind and my heart daily to stay strong against the forces that I can't see and that have such a strong hold on this little boy. I need to remind myself that although his behavior is not ok nor allowed, it also needs to be understood. I'm learning a great deal not only about him but about myself.

Over the past day or two I have really been trying to drive home the impact of choices. I've reminded Big Bro that he CAN make good choices even though it's hard to do. And when he does, it's PRAISE, PRAISE, PRAISE. It clearly is a psychological truth that positive reinforcement does work. Today was a half day (early release) at school. I offered a great reward for good choices made at school and if I could get a positive report from his teacher (which I had yet to get) he'd receive what I promised. Low and behold - I got a good report! While walking out of school I said to him, "doesn't it feel good to make good choices?" and his reply was, "no, it feels hard." I replied, "but you did it! And that's great." Then his next answer was so telling of where this little boys self esteem truly is, he said, "yeah but I can't do it for a whole day." I knelt down to his level and I said, "you did it for today, and I think that is great. It's a start, right? You did it for a half day and that is a great start."

So, the battle continues and while I lay deep in the trenches daily, fighting the best fight I can possible fight while heavily relying on a power far beyond myself, I will hold onto these small moments of progress. Because even the smallest of steps of good choices is progress and moving forward is what really matters.

MercyMe - Bring The Rain

This song has been my anthem for the past week. With all that I've been going through, so many changes and so many emotions, I know that God has a purpose in it all. Some days are easier than others but we push through them none the less, trusting that The Lord will carry us when we are too weak to walk another step on our own. I'm so grateful for The Lord and the work He is doing in our lives. This song describes exactly how I feel. ~ Stacy


I can count a million times
People asking me how I
Can praise You with all that I've gone through
The question just amazes me
Can circumstances possibly
Change who I forever am in You
Maybe since my life was changed
Long before these rainy days
It's never really ever crossed my mind
To turn my back on you, oh Lord
My only shelter from the storm
But instead I draw closer through these times
So I pray

Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain

I am Yours regardless of
The dark clouds that may loom above
Because You are much greater than my pain
You who made a way for me
By suffering Your destiny
So tell me what's a little rain
So I pray

Holy, holy, holy
Is the Lord God Almighty

Growing Pains

It's been a little over a week that Big Bro and Lil Sis joined our family as our foster children. The time has been one of many adjustments. Adjusting to having regular bedtime schedules, rules, manners, having siblings, having 3 instead of one other plate to prepare at dinner besides my own, 3 baths instead of 1, having 3 car/booster seats to help bucket instead of one, having constant commotion in the house after coming home from a long day at work, having more than one child to remind to brush their teeth, wash their hands, use a napkin, put their shoes in the shoe basket, and on and on and on. All of us, in each of our own way, has had to cope with new emotions, new environments and a new family.


But two nights ago...Brian and I sighed a sigh of relief as it seemed to be the best night so far and things have began to settle into a bit more of a routine. We're all adjusting in our own ways but I truly feel like we're all going to be ok.


Evenings still seem to be the hardest for the kids when things settle down and it's time to get in bed where they will be faced with the quietness of night and thoughts, memories and sadness creep up. I lay my hand on each child individually and pray aloud for their healing and for God to minister to each of them in their own way. I pray that the Lord will touch these children, all three of them through me. I want to be witness to them and my husband of God's love, grace, mercy and patience. I continue to look to Him to carry me and us through all the feelings and emotions and growing pains we're experiencing. I thank God for the work He is doing in each of us. For although it is painful at times, I know He is molding us and holding us. And I praise Him for that.

Boys Don't Always Bounce

I realized within minutes of taking in Big Bro over a week ago, that I was in for my share of adjustments when it came to mothering a boy compared to a girl. There's a phrase I've often heard that says "boys bounce" - meaning that boys are much more rough and tough and put you through the ringer when it comes to how active they can be. I learned this very quickly. Couple with adjustment anxiety Big Bro definately has his share of energy. He's 100% boy and I'm learning to embrace all the new things I'm experiencing when it comes to having a son.

Thursday morning as I update this blog I was enjoying the day I would have to myself. At least until 3pm when it was time to pick everyone up from school/day care. And just as I was typing away, the phone rang. It was the elementary school. It appeared Big Bro had fallen off the monkey bars at recess and broken his arm! I rushed down to the school right away to find him in tears in the nurses office. As I wisked him away to the hospital I realized, boys don't always bounce - sometimes they break!

We spent a couple of hours in the ER only to return to the surgeon the next day for a final setting and cast. I got to be the first one to sign his cast and when asked, he suggested I sign it "mom" instead of Stacy. This I know is his way of telling me, he's learning to love, accept and embrace the changes he's had to face. My heart broke for him during the past two days because he's had so much to deal with and now he has to learn how to function with only one arm for 6 weeks! But he's doing great and is a very strong, brave boy. I can only say, he makes me very proud to be called his mom.

Blue Monday

Monday (9/10) began with taking Big Sis to school and picking up a registration packet to enroll Big Bro for school the next day. Big Bro and Lil Sis returned home with me and we waited for the Child Welfare people to show up with a few things that were left behind at the last foster home along with some paper work.

Mid morning came and they arrived and anxiety quickly set in for the kids. While the workers were here half way through the visit my cell phone rang. I noticed it was my dad's phone number and thought it strange that he was calling me in the middle of the day. On a random Monday for no particular reason. Residing in Las Vegas my dad and I spoke mostly on birthdays, holidays or other big events, but not randomly for no real reason in the middle of the day. Something inside me sensed that something was wrong. I stared at the phone for what seemed like minutes as it continued to chime away and suddenly I was faced with a decision...do I answer it or let it go to voice mail? Quickly I hit the receive button just in time and answered, hello. Immediately I did not recognize the voice on the other end as the woman proceeded to break the horrible news to me that my dad had just suffered a massive heart attack while at work and had passed away that morning. I was overcome instantly with grief and sorrow and couldn't believe this was all happening now. There was no way I could go and help my step mom (who is from Poland and speaks very little English) and that's what they were asking me to do right away. I had to gather my emotions and contact my brother, my aunt and my mom. And of course Brian. I had to count on my brother to take care of things immediately since he lived only hours away in Arizona. I tried desperately to contain the emotions that were flooding in but it was too overwhelming. I knew though that I had to pull myself together and break the news to Big Bro and Lil Sis who were wondering what in the heck was wrong. I thank God that His timing is perfect and that the 2 Child Services women were at my home. They could help me occupy the children while I digested the news and gathered my emotions.

Although I was so overcome with grief that I would never talk to my dad again, that I didn't get to say good-bye and my heart was breaking that my daddy was gone forever, through the storm I truly felt God's peace inside me. I could see the purpose in it all and realized that as bad as it sounds it couldn't have been better timing. Now the children could watch me grieve and see what it looks like to express emotions you feel when faced with such a loss in a proper way. I could relate to their loss on a better level and I could help walk them through this time of trial in their life while walking through it myself. Wow! Talk about the Holy Spirit moving me, teaching me and holding me every step of the way. For the first time in my life I was actually feeling joy amongst sorrow just as the bible talks about. For me it has been simply amazing to feel God's love so greatly and I feel so blessed by it all. I'm still grieving and the tears flow but each day it gets better and I know that God is still sovereign over it all.

One plus Two is THREE!

When making the decision to foster Big Bro and Lil Sis, the biggest factor was that we tried to rationalize the thought of suddenly having 3 kids to take care of. I'm not sure if this is a thought that is even capable of being rationalized! Even the sound of saying "I have 3 kids" still makes me shake my head in awe and think, is it really possible. But time keeps on moving forward and doesn't wait for us to be ready for whatever life throws at us and so we just decided to take it one day, one hour and one situation at a time. We made the kids more comfortable and moved Big Bro into his bedroom by removing the crib that still hadn't been taken down yet and Lil Sis was already sharing a room with Big Sis. It just so happens that Big Sis has bunk beds, not to mention toys coming out of her ears! One of the perks of being an only child was getting pretty much everything you want within reason. We took the children to church Sunday morning and listened to a sermon titled "In Everything give Thanks". I have comfort in knowing that this is God's plan. I can see His hand in it in so many ways. For example, on thing they told me is that Big Bro has a love for fishing. You can only imagine the look in his eyes when they drove up and he spotted the fishing boat beside our house. Big Bro also loves to pick blackberries - we have several wild blackberry bushes on our property and directly across our street. Lil Sis loves animals, especially cats. Our next door neighbor has a cat who reproduces faster than rabbits and just had a litter of 7 kittens a mere 6 weeks ago. Can you say coincidence? Well, I say it can only be a God thing.

And so, the adjustment period was officially underway. Sunday evening came and we sat down to a family dinner with a table that now barely accommodated our family size and we slowly began to see what this will all mean for each and every one of us. So many adjustments that we all can't even begin to think what the next few days might look like. No more left overs for starters and learning about manners and house rules was first on the learning curve.

Sadness was clearly evident, especially in Lil Sis who will be turning 3 in a couple of weeks. She occasionally would break down and cry "I want my mommy" not really comprehending that she will never see who she considers mommy ever again. Big Bro has lots of pain and anxiety as well that we are working with. This would only increase as Monday would be next and that meant registering for school and being "the new kid" in his 1st grade class.

One door closes, another opens

Once again, I find myself beyond words as I sit down to fill you all in about our life and what has happened as of late. Two weeks ago when I posted about our decision to stop the adoption process, I would have NEVER guessed we'd be in the position we are in now. So much has changed since that post in such a short amount of time.

One week ago we were faced with a call from Child Welfare Services about two siblings who were now in care and in need of a permanent home. This is after we told them we were done and not looking to adopt anymore. Due to legal obligations I cannot disclose why they were now in foster care but I can say that I was told these two children (6 year old boy, 2 year old girl) were rare entities that come through the foster care system. They are legally free (ready to be adopted) They don't have any major issues and have the chance to become well adjusted "normal" kids. They are just emotionally hurting really bad and need a family who can help them grieve the loss of the only home they've ever known. To make an extremely long story short God so strongly placed on my heart that these children needed to come be with us that a thorough thought process was underway as to what should we do? After 24 hrs of finding out more about them Brian and I made the decision to take them in for the weekend to at least get them out of another foster home they were temporary placed in and go from there.

One week ago we welcomed Big Bro and Lil Sis into our home and life has certainly been incredibly different! I ended taking all three children - Big Sis, and the two foster kids to a large Fair in our State for two days so that Big Sis could show her sheep with Nana and Papa. Call me crazy, call me a gluten for punishment or just call me blessed! I was a wild 48 hrs with all 3 kids BY MYSELF - talk about a constant adrenaline rush, but it was also so much fun and a time in which I'm sure none of us will ever forget. After I arrived back home on Saturday evening, Brian and I were faced with the decision of what to do. Child Welfare was looking to us to commit to adopting them but we were so unsure of if we could say yes to such a permanent decision without getting a chance to fully adjust to the idea yet. We weighed it all out, what would this mean to our current life? It in no doubt would change every single thing about it. We talked a lot and I prayed that God would align our hearts. We decided that for now, we were only capable of helping them get stabilized until they could find an adoptive home. This would mean that they would be staying with us for quite some time - how long we don't really know - and that we were agreeing to help them heal and stabilize them emotionally and assist in transitioning them.

Humble Awakenings

The following post was originally posted on Aug. 30th. Much has changed since this post, but I thought I would post it anyway so that you can experience the waves of emotions that I have had in the past few weeks. ~ Stacy


I have no idea how to even begin this post. For several days now I have been struggling with a way in how I can break the news to all of you, our family and friends, that we have made another big decision regarding our adoption. We have decided to put the breaks on and no longer pursue adding on to our family. Let me explain how this all came about.

Last week, for some unknown reason I was overwhelmed with the feelings of wanting a baby. Looking back, I think it was largely due to the fact that Big Sis was turning "5" and I saw that my little baby was growing up really fast. I longed for the days when I held her close to my body and she needed me every moment. I longed for the days of kissing her little head while smelling the sweet smell of baby lotion. Those days I realized are long gone as next week she'll be entering full day kindergarten and I will be left trying to figure out what to do with myself for the long days that she will be absent from the home.

I was so overcome with the feeling of wanting a baby that Brian and I once again started to contemplate having another biological child. Could we do a reversal and try to conceive our own baby? What about Invetro? I researched the options and soon realized that the burden of the cost (our insurance won't cover this kind of stuff) along with the procedures involved and the risk of not conceiving on the first try far outweighed the desire to go down that road. I was once again realizing that going the foster/adopt route was the best way to nurture the feelings of wanting a baby again. But then there's the other side of what I had been feeling in the past couple of weeks...small twinges of doubt have slowly started to seep into my mind and heart as to whether or not I truly wanted to continue on this path and if it really was right for us. I recently found out that as of July our state passed a law that babies (if born to a mom with a chronic history of neglect and drug abuse and a history of losing other children to the system) are born "clean" they are sent home to live with their mom. No longer can a mom's history be a reason to remove a child to protect them until that mother is proven to be well enough to take care of her child. Meaning that mom could still be using but wasn't during the time of birth and therefore, without any proof, a child will go home to suffer the affects of early neglect only to be emotionally (irreversibly) wounded and removed from the home a mere two months or so later. This weighed heavy on my heart as to what it could mean to our future.

Then, Thursday night arrived, right in the middle of all this thinking, researching and contemplating the timing couldn't be better to find some support. I needed to attend a foster parent support meeting/training session to start accumulating our necessary ongoing training hours. This was a place I could go to voice my concerns about all that I was feeling regarding the anxiety of possibly adopting a child who had suffered neglect and was unable to attach. I found some comfort in those who I spoke with, telling me that things aren't as bad as people make them out to be. That you get through it if problems arise - you deal with it, just like you would your own child. Don't worry - you will have the support to help you through it, they told me.

As I entered the meeting I noticed that the little baby boy (now 6mo. old) that I spoke about back on May 14th was there with his foster mom and I was going to get to see how he was doing. When I saw him I was pleased to see that he looked great! He had gained weight and he looked pretty typical. I asked how he was doing and foster mom said he was doing good despite still having upper GI problems. We made small talk for a moment about how we had yet to have a placement and then she looked at me and asked, "hey, do you want to do respite for us?" (Respite is when you take in another foster child for a short amount of time so that the foster family they are with can have a break. Often times people will use respite when families travel during the summer or holidays and can't take a foster child with them due to scheduled visitation and other circumstances - or they just need a break)
I then asked, "when?" "Tomorrow" she said. I was shocked that it was going to be so soon and asked, "until when?" She replied, "well, basically it would just be for about 24hrs". She had a fair booth to run and it would be a great help to not have to worry about caring for "baby boy" during the process. I thought to myself, 'this is perfect! Just what I need for what I'm feeling right now - I would love to!' I replied, "yes, I think so, but let me check with my husband to be sure and I'll call you tonight and let you know. But I don't see why not". After the meeting I called Brian and he agreed it was perfect timing and would be a good way to get a feeling for what it will be like.

I picked up baby boy at 2:30pm with all the diapers, clothes, formula and medicines necessary to get us through the next 24hrs then returned home for a hard dose of reality. Big Sis and I were thrilled to have him. We played well into the evening with him as he cooed and smiled here and there but at one point I suddenly realized how much work it would be to have another baby. Big Sis entertained him as much as she could, but I was the one who he needed when it came time for diaper changing, feeding, burping and holding. I found myself jugging baby boy, Big Sis and meatballs all within a couple of hours of having him in our home. I realized this was a lot more work than I remembered it being and I was starting to wonder, was I really up for it. Not to mention, we hadn't even began to get into the tough stuff - night time and early morning wakings. And baby boy was a pretty easy baby. What would it be like with a difficult baby - one who was colic or going through severe withdrawals.

Brian got home from work at his normal time and with it being Friday it was evident on his face that it had been a long day concluding a long week at work. He was in a state of fatigue and needed respite himself from any responsibility or anything requiring energy beyond sitting and relaxing. The evening passed fairly quickly and bedtime approached. Big Sis was put to bed and baby boy followed shortly thereafter. As the night passed I found myself in mom mode the entire night. Shortly after 2am Big Sis was in need of cough syrup for cold that had come on in the past couple of days. I also found I couldn't get into a deep sleep because I worried that if I did, I wouldn't hear baby boy if he cried out (just as it was when Big Sis was an infant) and then just after 4am, right about when I was able to fall back asleep, baby boy woke up hungry and in need of some company. I tiptoed around the upstairs closing doors trying not to wake everyone in the house and headed downstairs for the early morning feeding. My eyes hurt from the fatigue and I realized "wow...it's dark out and the crickets are still chirping!! This kinda sucks!" Now don't get me wrong, baby boy was very sweet and his smile, even in the earliest of hours, warmed my heart to the core but now more than ever, I found myself truly questioning if I really truly wanted to do this full time. As the morning carried on, baby boy took a short 1/2 hr nap and I had to wake him for his 6:30am dose of medicine for his acid reflux issues when he was once again awake until his late morning nap. Within the next hour the rest of the family was up and our Saturday was underway despite my overwhelming feelings of fatigue. I consumed large amounts of coffee as the morning progressed and at one point Brian and I looked at each other with an all knowing expression and confessed to one another that this was truly opening our eyes to what it would really mean to take on another child.

As the day wore on, I found myself counting the hours until it was time to return baby boy back to his foster mom. I found myself getting irritable at Big Sis much quicker than usual and really without any warrant, she really was just wanting to be of help. I didn't like the feeling of having to divide my attention between the two children. I felt like I was short changing Big Sis and I didn't like it. I realized that over the past week I was feeling like I was losing her because she was growing up so fast and entering kindergarten and that if I was needed by another child, it would make that distance even wider and stronger and quite frankly, I didn't want that to happen. Like I said, a real hard dose of reality!

3:00pm came and it was time to return baby boy to his foster mom. It was wonderful having him in our home despite the realization of truth. And in a sense, he gave us so much more than we gave him. Brian and I took some time that day to really discuss our future and what this realization means to us. We've come to accept that we aren't really ready to add on and that we are actually happy and content with the family we have.

Brian confessed that the adoption hadn't really been anywhere on the forefront of his mind since we were licensed and the only time he really thought about it was when he happen to look into the room with the crib in it. We talked about the pros and cons of it all and what it would really mean to go forward. We realized that we enjoy having the freedom of sleeping until 7-8am on the weekends and the new phase we've entered into the past year or so as Big Sis has gotten older. The ability to go places and do things without being strapped to a nap or feeding schedule is something we've been taking for granted. We also pondered what God might be trying to tell us. Was this His way of showing us we really aren't who we thought we were? Was this His way of stopping us? I remember someone telling me once when this whole thing started late last year and we were contemplating the whole adoption thing, they said, "God puts the desire in your heart just like He can take it away too." Were those words of guidance to stay tuned in to the matters of the heart?

In the end, what we must to do is follow our hearts and follow the peace. We no longer have peace when we consider the possibility of adding on to our family. We do have peace when we look at what we have and feel like we need to cherish it, honor it and nurture it just the way it is. For me personally, the past 5-6 days have brought mixed feelings. I have some sadness for the loss of a dream that I thought I wanted. And I also have joy in knowing that God loves me, despite my inability to serve Him the way that I thought He wanted me to. I'm starting to understand more that it really isn't about the destination but the journey. I'm a work in progress and I'm certainly much harder on myself than I probably should be. I want to make a difference and I thought laying my life down for a foster/adopt child was it. What I'm realizing though is that maybe I'm just not in the place God wants me to be in where that can truly happen with a pure heart. I still want to serve Him and I will. It will just look different than I thought.

Summer Days

It has been almost a month now since we were licensed and ready to receive our new addition to the family. The crib still sits empty but yet my heart is at peace as our days are full. We think and pray daily for the little one, wherever he is. And we know that in God's timing everything will fall into place just the way He has orchestrated it to do so. In the meantime, life is good. I am concentrating on enjoying every summer day with Big Sis as I know these days will quickly pass. Later this week Brian, Big Sis and I will go on our first family camping trip of the summer along with some dear friends and it is sure to be filled with many memories to hold onto far beyond the summer months.

We are well aware that life will change dramatically when we are placed with our foster/adopt child so for now we realize that life and its current slow pace is something to be cherished one day at a time. Our focus remains steadfast on God's promises and the knowledge that we are in His hands every moment of every day.

Hurdle #1 is Officially Cleared!

Well, it's official! We are now licensed foster parents for TWO counties in our state. Did you catch that? Yep, I said TWO counties and believe me, that was a surprise to us as well. What does this mean exactly? Well, not much more other than geographical coverage I suppose. Our city is in one county but also resides very close to another, so I suppose they wanted to license us in both counties so that we could accept a child from the other nearby county should one become available. So in a way, I guess you could say it broadens our horizon.

Anyway - we received our license in the mail on Friday and it's valid for 3 years and we are licensed to foster a boy or girl age 0 - 2yrs old. So, you may be asking yourself what happens now? Well, come Monday I will contact the adoption division for the state and get those wheels turning toward the next hurdle. In addition, I will contact the placement coordinator for our state and let her know we are ready and waiting for their call for the right child to be placed with us in hopes of adopting them. I will hopefully be able to convey our desires clear enough to her and undoubtedly at one time or another we will receive a call for someone we clearly won't take but in time, I'm sure the right one will come along. I will also have to clarify to her that although our license states we are able to accept a girl or a boy -that we are really seeking a boy.

So, how is all of this news sitting with me internally? Well, in a way it kind of feels like when the double pink line first appeared on home pregnancy test reading positive when we were trying to get pregnant 6 years ago with Big Sis. In a way it's all so surreal. Although the promise of so much change in lives in the coming months and years is evident, there isn't really a whole lot to show for it in the current moment other than an official reading. So I guess it's a lot like being pregnant but more on paper then physically. There is a term in the adoption community that they call "paper pregnancy" so I guess this is it. We're officially "paper pregnant" because we are now licensed to foster our prospective adoptive child -whoever he is.

I am at peace though with the excitement creeping up every now and then that this is about to get really cranking with some serious adrenaline rushes every time the phone rings! In the end though, I will continue to seek God's will in this whole process. And I will continue to pray for the little one that He has already chosen for us. I ask that you do the same. I pray that our paths will cross with undoubted certainty when the right call comes in and we question whether to take in that child. I pray that God will continue to guide us every step of the way with His truth and His wisdom. Thank you for joining me in prayer for the process to go according to His will. And thank you for continuing to check in on us - it should really start getting good now, eh?

Almost there...sort of.

Good news - I got a call last week that my fingerprints had cleared and the license will now be in signing/finalization process this week. Therefore, ANYDAY we could go to our mailbox and find the official letter that says we are licensed and able to be receive a placement. Whew...almost there - sort of.

Once we get our foster parent license we will need to contact the adoption division and continue in our adoption portion of the homestudy and so forth. However, at any time we can receive a placement with the potential to adopt. This is going to be such a long, long road and although it's only began I feel like God is teaching me so much along the way.

Last week (June17th), after a slight emotional breakdown at church on Sunday I received some prayer from a couple of prayer team members at church. I'm one of the those people who keeps it real especially at church and after they found me crying in the hallway they took me into the prayer room and lifted me up to the Lord. I believe in the power of prayer and I did feel better within the hour and even more so over the course of the next few days. Just when I realized the peace was so concrete in my heart by mid-week, we got the call first thing Thursday morning. It's a funny thing to me that sometimes it feels like God knows my breaking point more than me (Yeah, I know....duh!) and during His refining process when it feels like it's just too much to bare, He let's up just in the nick of time to reveal in me the faith He has been building in my heart all along. It brought a smile to my face and sigh of relief that the fingerprint hurdle had finally been cleared but more so, I thanked God for giving me His peace and for the journey as tough as it may be sometimes.

So, for those of you who are willing, will you pray for our family this week and in the coming month(s) when we may possibly or probably get a call or two about a placement? I desire so much that God will let us know so clearly when the right child is presented to us, that we'll know without a doubt that he is the one, so this would be my prayer. Also, would you be lifitng up the child (who may or may not even be born yet) that will soon be a part of our family? For where ever he is, I'm sure he is in need of protection and love and I pray that he may be brought to us in God's perfect timing so that we may help and love him in his own little journey of life.

Still Waiting...

No news yet on if my fingerprints are going through. The Holy Spirit gently reminds me daily to wait on the Lord as He is the only One who truly knows what's going on. Today during my devotional time I was taken to this scripture...I wrote it down and posted it where I could refer to it anytime I'm at the kitchen sink (which is a lot for a stay at home mom) - I pray that God can calm my spirit as I continually wait in anticipation for His plan to play out.

"But those who wait on the LORD,
Shall renew their strength;
They shall mount up with wings like eagles,
They shall run and not be weary,
They shall walk and not faint." ~ Isaiah 40:31

A delay in processing (in more ways than one)

Just in case you're wondering...we're still waiting for our license to be finalized. Last week we went to the mailbox only to discover that my fingerprints for my background check came back again from the state as "unable to process" by the State Patrol offices. It appeared they were too smudged to process yet AGAIN. Therefore, in a lapse of cognitive recognition that this IS after all, under God's control and He is the one running the show, I flew into a rage of frustration that once again I would have to go into the police station to get my fingerprints done. I mean, I just didn't have time for this - I had better things to do like go to the gym, take my daughter to swim lessons, give her a haircut, clean the house, treats to bake for dance class. I didn't want to be burdened with this chore that would take time away from my day. The letter the prints were returned with said I needed to go back to the original place I had them done but in doing so I knew they would be rejected for probably a third time because this person was not experienced enough to get clear enough prints. This was obvious to me as this was the second time they had come back after I had already gone back to that original place once before.

And so, with the frustration of knowing this was delaying the entire process I set out to a sheriff office in a nearby town to get my prints redone, only to have them turn me away at the door telling me I had to get them done in my home town. This of course was not the truth as Brian didn't have his done in our hometown originally and his went through with flying colors. I simply figured they just didn't want to do it and so they fed me a line to get me to go away. Nevertheless they wouldn't print me which only added to my frustration level. I went home and flew into a fit of tears while on the phone with my poor husband because this seemingly just wasn't going right. Why did it have to be so hard to just get a decent set of prints done?! Why was this becoming such a pain?! Why can't this just get done right and we get licensed?! I decided to call the foster license office to verify that I could actually go somewhere else and they confirmed that I could. And so, after deciding my day was pretty much shot as far what I had planned on doing, I headed south to another larger city nearby to get the prints redone there. After getting there it seemed I just couldn't win when I was informed they didn't take checks (it cost $10 to get fingerprinted) so Big Sis and I had to trek 2 blocks to an ATM at the courthouse. Finally, after much frustration, I finally got what looked like to be a good set of prints and dropped them off at the licensing office in person hoping to speed the process along. (note the desire to control the situation and therefore lacking the awareness that I am NOT in control - God is!)

So, the week progressed on and the crisis was soon over although my handling of it was certainly not one I could report as being a stellar example of peace in the midst of chaos. However, today at church I had a bit of an awakening. I was reminded once again that God is so full of mercy, grace and love. For He loves me even when I myself, am so ignorant of my lack of faith, and He loves me enough to gently point it out to me in a way in which I can recognize it, repent of it and release it unto Him. I realized today that God is Sovereign over every aspect of my life. And that because those fingerprints came back to me to do for a third time, there is a reason, even though I don't see it yet. As I look back at a mere 6 days ago and realize that instead of getting mad I should have been praising God for stepping in a delaying the process. For He knows where this is going and I do not. He knows the end result and I do not. And because of that the fingerprints needed to take longer. Maybe the child He has for us isn't even born yet and therefore it needs to take a little longer for His timing to play out. Maybe...I don't know. But He does and at this point I am just so grateful that although it took me a week, I now see He is working even when I think He isn't. I realize now I have even more growing to do than I thought. I'm grateful that He is working in me and helping me to see where my faith is weak. I'm a work in progress that's for sure and I will continue learning, that I'm even more sure. I'm just so grateful I have the best Teacher one could have.

Thank you Lord that you are Sovereign over every aspect of my life. I pray that I will remember this every day as I walk with you. Thank you for your grace, your mercy and above all your love. ~ Amen

A Lesson in Patience

Our home study interview visit last Friday went great! However, I myself had a rough couple of days during the process. I've learned a lot over the past couple of days and I'm sure I'm going to have to return to this lesson again and again as I practice patience in this long journey. Let me begin by giving a little history. Back when we were in our first classes in Feb. we heard of a little baby boy who had been born that day. The foster mom was visiting our class and was getting ready to go pick him up from the hospital. His mother had him and then took off (I was told to go get high). You see, after this little guy was born he was tested positive for meth, cocaine and heroine. I have a co-worker who I've mentioned earlier who is closely knitted with the foster parent community and is one herself, so periodically I would ask how this little guy was doing. Apparently he was having some medical issues with acid reflux and needed surgery on his stomach to cut an opening so the food could pass through (which is becoming more and more common amongst the drug babies) it has some big medical name which I can't remember - but you get the drift right? Anyway, they say he is now doing much better.

Ok, now keep this history in mind as it has often popped into my mind throughout the past couple of months while waiting for the home study to go it's course. Now, let's travel to last Wed. (2 days prior to home study interviews) as I had the opportunity to attend a training for foster parents even though I am technically not one yet. Once you become a foster parent in our state you are required to take 12 hours of on going credit each year to remain licensed. This class would be (if I was already licensed) one that would count as ongoing credit. Anyway, the class was titled The Effects of Early Neglect on Childhood Development. WOW!! It was a doozey! Information that was shocking, depressing and mind boggling as to what happens when a baby is simply not cared for properly. The increased risk of death, harm and irreversible damage was frightening. They talked about the relationship between neglect and attachment disorders and how kids end up not being able to self regulate their emotions and as a result end up having difficulties throughout childhood in school, families and other relationships. The real depressing part is that it's much harder for social workers to diagnose or pin point when a child is being neglected because there are usually no outward signs as there is with physical and sexual abuse. I could go on and on about what I learned but let me summarize it with this, the class left me questioning if I could really do this and it left me worried about the unknown.

Then came Thursday. That evening there was a pie and coffee social hour that takes place once a month for foster parents. I attended hoping to meet the placement coordinator for our area so that she could put a face to the name that will come across her desk soon. I want her to get to know us and know exactly what we are looking for so when the right child comes along she's able to ask us about the placement. As I drove to the restaurant I wondered if the foster mom that is caring for the baby boy I mentioned earlier would be at this social. Sure enough when I walked in she was and so was baby. I cheerfully introduced myself and told her I was wondering if they would be there. I went on to say how I'd often thought about this little guy and wondered how he was doing. She went on to explain his issues in detail, his surgery experience and his ongoing problems with his acid reflux. She also said, "you can hold him if you want". And so, I carefully unbuckled him from his carrier and lifted him into my lap. As I looked into his face, I thought "Could I be his future mommy? Could I mother this baby into adulthood?" And then a strange and probably not such a good thing happened. I knew in my gut that this baby probably wasn't the baby for me, I just didn't feel a connection on that level but I did feel a sadness for him and my heart went out to him for the pain he has already suffered and will continue to suffer. I began to work myself up into an emotional connection forcing the possibility of becoming his mommy. I led the foster mom on to think that I truly was interested because part of me felt like I was - like I was called to help the helpless and this was it. Time passed and it was time to go and I said good-bye to the foster mom. She gave me a photo to take home to show Brian.

When I returned home I showed Brian the picture and explained his problems medically and Brian knew instantly this wasn't the baby for us. I then was faced with a let down that I still have a hard time putting words to, to label and explain the mixed emotions I was feeling. Guilt is a word I'm beginning to identify with in a new way. By questioning if I can even mother a child so difficult and then admitting I'm not sure if I really can makes a part of me feel guilty.

The next morning I woke early. Wanting desperately to stay in bed and sleep I knew I had to spend some time with my Heavenly Father and pray and seek His face on this situation. As expected, He didn't let me down and I was comforted and spoken to by His spirit. He led me to Psalm 27 where I found such comfort as it spoke directly to my heart and it brought me to tears. Verse 14, the final verse in this Psalm, is one I've been holding onto ever since and I realized even more over the course of the weekend how direct God was being with me. It says "Wait on the LORD, be of good courage and He shall strengthen your heart. Wait, I say, on the LORD!"

As Friday afternoon came, our licensor interviewed us and all went well. I made a point of asking him directly about a specific child I had seen on the internet listing for adoption. The write ups are sometime worded in a way in which those on the "inside" know the true meaning behind the descriptions. He was very honest and upfront with me and I'm grateful for that. He explained a little more through his experiences the differences between alcohol affected children and drug affected children. It appears alcohol affects are much worse. We then got into further conversation about this particular baby boy that is currently in care. He then pretty much told me point blank, this is not the baby for you and it would be a mistake to try and get him. He said that they have a list of expectant mothers who will be delivering babies in the next 6 months and that if I, together with Brian, set our expectations for what we want and DON'T BUDGE, we will get the baby that is right for us. Naturally, this made me feel better but also nervous about buckling when I hear a sob story of a baby in need. I know that this is when I will lean on Brian a great deal as (due to the way God made men) he is much more able to not be so emotional about every child that comes our way. And he is really cued into his gut feelings and trusts them, as do I, to lead him in the right direction.

So what does this all come down to? Patience. I must remember that God knows what we can handle and what we can't. I know that He already has the child picked out for us. I must remember that in His time He will make it known who that baby is. I must remember to trust that He will let me know deep within me that when that baby comes across my path I will know it. Until then, I most importantly must remember to hold onto the promises of His word and be of courage as He strengthens my heart. I must remember to Wait on the LORD!

The Home Study

Our home study couldn't begin until our references returned their information. Thankfully they were all pretty quick about it and we were called in about 3 weeks to set up our home investigation, the first of three visits for the home study. As we prepared by doing things such as babyproofing plugs and cupboards, securing all medicines in a locked drawer and ordering a fire ladder we realized this was becoming more of a reality and it was certainly going to change our living conditions to say the least. We retrieved all of our baby equipment out of storage that we were saving for my brother "just in case" and Big Sis got to move to a bigger room. This also meant rearranging closets, painting and organizing rooms making space for one more comfortably.

The first visit went well and within a couple of weeks we were called to set up our 2nd visit - the interviews. This one makes us a little more nervous as it will take approximately 2 hours while the licensor asks detailed intimate questions of all of us, as to our lives past and present, attitudes and readiness for this journey we're entering into. This visit is schedule for this coming Friday and if all goes well we anticipate being licensed within the next few weeks when at that point we could be placed at any time with a precious child God has chosen for us to foster and hopefully adopt into our family.

The Process for Foster/Adoption begins

Once we decided that foster/adopt was the way to go for us we decided to get the ball rolling right away. Turned out that in just a couple of weeks from making the decision that our county was offering the required PRIDE class that would take 30 hours to complete over the course of two weekends. We quickly realized that this would take some sacrifice right away from more than just us. Thankfully Nana & Papa are near by and were willing to take Big Sis for the required weekends in Feb. Big Sis realized the sacrifice on her part when she had to miss her dear friend's birthday party from our old neighborhood. But with a little effort we made a special trip to celebrate just a few day past her birthday. And Brian would probably have to make the most painful sacrifice of all and miss the beloved opening race of the Nascar season - the Daytona 500! Thankfully he had his Blackberry and was able to get updates via the wireless web throughout the day.

Once the classes began reality set in. After the first full day of class Brian and I looked at each other and were in amazement that we were now considered one of "those couples". By that I mean we always looked at people who did foster care as a whole different breed. People who had a strength in which we felt we couldn't even come close to. And yet, here we were by the grace of God embarking on the adventure in becoming those type of people. It was rather strange quite honestly as we felt both humbled and extremely blessed over the course of the next 4 classes. Hearing stories of the abuse that takes place in innocent kids lives and the affects of it is enough to outrage a person. We learned so much information that was also applicable to daily living and we came away feeling more educated, better equipped and more confident that this was really something we wanted and needed to do.

Submitting our packet of information was the next step and it was one that included LOTS of paperwork from background checks, fingerprinting, writing biography's, financial statements, personal information and references. It was a paper mountain that would take us almost a month to finally complete and submit. Then our home study would come next as the final process before being licensed.

The cost (and I don't mean money)

So what would mean to foster/adopt? What would it cost us? Virtually nothing in the way of financial expense but emotionally - it could cost way more than we could ever expect. The emotional risk of foster/adopting is that we could connect so closely and intimately with a child, hoping and expecting them to become part of our family only to loose them back to their birth parents or other family members who are willing to adopt them. We could be placed with a child with soul wounds so deep that pain and struggle are inevidable. Pain that can't be understood by us no matter how hard we try. We could recieve a child with physical ailments that might never heal because his mother made a choice to drink alcohol and do drugs while he grew inside her.

This is a very BIG risk for all of us. Each in our own way will need to come to grips with this potential pain that we might incur and when it comes to big sis, we'll just have to walk with her through it should it come to such a loss. But we must also keep in our minds and hearts the real truth of the matter. Simply put, the gains outweigh the risks. At times, it is a little scary to think about all the things that are ahead of us in this journey. At times, I ask myself, are we crazy? Our life is perfect (well almost). Our home is pleasant, loving and virtually it's a pretty easy ride day to day - so why in the world would we want to invite possible chaos into the mix? Why would we want to invite a baby or a child with the potential of taking every emotional and physical energy out of us into home and into our lives? Why? The question isn't so much why as it is, why not?

We are a stable, supportive and loving family. We can give a child who otherwise might not have a chance at EVER experiencing that in their life, if even for a short time (but hopefully forever) the chance to see and experience love at it's deepest level. Love that loves simply because it chooses to, not because you were born "in to" it. Why would we not want to bless a child with love, support and a people to call family forever? In the end, we are all called to love one another and that's what we intend to do.

Moving forward

During our time in Seattle and once we returned home we discussed the many options on how or where to adopt from. International/Domestic, white/ethnic, boy/girl, baby/child, private agency/state system. The choices were daunting as we slowly had to figure out what God's will for us in this would be. I continued to keep the wise words of a teacher/pastor at my church in mind, "you know it's from God if you knock and the door opens, if you have to bang the door down, it's probably not from God".

First we decided we definitely wanted to go domestic. I struggled with this initially only because of my dream with the baby Asian girl. However, after more prayer and thought, I came to peace with the notion that there are so many children right here in our very own backyard, so to speak, that need homes - why complicate the issue by going half way around the world. After we decided where we wanted to adopt from, the next step was how. I began researching on the web and requested a packet from a local Christian agency. I was blown away when I opened the information to find it would cost upwards of $20,000 to adopt a baby locally. We didn't have $20,000 just laying around and we weren't about to go into debt to add on to our family. We then found out about a local adoption fair and decided to shop around for a less expensive option. We realized that adopting a baby through private adoption was just too expensive and I also felt that it was a little selfish of me to put myself in the large pool of mom's wanting a "healthy baby" who couldn't naturally concieve. I could and I did already. I've already had the experience of carrying and birthing a baby from the start and there are so many other women out there who won't ever get that experience, they should get first dibs so to speak at the "healthy babies".

At the adoption fair we came across another Christian agency that specialized in placing children from the state system. We figured this would be a good way to go. The agency would be there to help us and guide us along the way and it seemed to fit our budget a little bit better. Only a couple of thousand instead of ten's of thousands. We inquired for a packet and slowly began filling out our paperwork. This is the time when we started announcing the news to all of you (our friends and family) that we had made the decision to adopt. By now it was the holiday season and joy was in the air. But that also meant lots of holiday activities and such to keep us busy and we decided that we would wait until the first of the year to submit our packet once the holiday hustle and bustle was over. Then things would kick into gear.

January came and just before we were getting ready to submit our paperwork, a co-worker of mine who is a foster parent in our state ask me why we weren't going through our state to adopt. I simply tried to explain that I really didn't have an answer other than we felt the state wasn't really the best way to go from what we understood. She straight up told me I was wrong and that I should look into it. Then, in the same week a friend from church told me of someone she was friends with who had foster/adopted from the state and recommended I talked to her. I then got in contact with her and discussed her experience. My co-worker suggested I also talk to the placement coordinator for our area about foster/adoption. I called and talked to her as well. By the end of the week, all arrows were pointing in the direction for foster/adoption and I knew I had to approach Brian on the subject.

After discussing it in detail, we come to the conclusiong that God was directing us in this direction and it truly looked like the best option for us. There was one potential problem though...and it was a biggie.

The decision

The morning after Brian dropped the bomb, so to speak, I went to church wrestling with the "what should we do" factor. Should I push the issue that maybe we should just somehow try to get pregnant ourselves or should I really seek the Lord's way on this and let Him finish what He obviously had already started. Thankfully, I recieved confirmation a number of ways through the day during worship, prayer and fellowship that this was God's plan and if I really wanted to be in God's will, I needed to submit to whatever He was trying to get started here. Part of me knew though that more prayer was needed and more thought on if this was really a road in which we were destined to go down or just another fleeting thought.

Our 9th Anniversary was fast approaching and we decided in a couple of weeks to retreat to Seattle for a weekend away to celebrate our marriage. We also both knew this would be a time to really discuss what move to make next. We knew it would be decision time.

The weekend came and it was a wonderful time together in a wonderful city. Over brunch one morning we sat and really discussed what this decision would mean. How would it affect our family and why would we be doing it. We decided that we would go forward to adopt and take our family from a party for 3 to a party of 4. Once we got back home it would be time to get the ball rolling and decide what direction to take.

How it all began

It was a quiet evening last fall in which Brian and I were eating dinner a little later than usual. Big sis had already had her supper and was upstairs playing in her room. It was nice to have a quiet meal together, something that is usually only possible when we schedule a date night alone. But tonight we got lucky and had an opportunity to eat our meal, debrief on our day without interuption and enjoy some much needed one on one adult coversation. After a few moments, Brian decided to drop the bomb on me that I never in my life would have expected, you see a couple of years prior we made the decision to go permenant birth control with the big "V" because he felt he was done and happy with what we were already blessed with. I on the other had secretly longed for at least one more child in my heart but felt I needed to submit to my husband's wishes and not "push" the issue. After all, I feel that raising children is a duel effort and if one's heart isn't fully in it - it's just dangerous territory to tread.

Anyway, so there I was enjoying my risotto and suddenly Brian says to me, "There's something I need to talk to you about. Something's been on my mind for a couple of weeks now and no matter how hard I try, I can't seem to shake it." My heart sunk for a quick moment thinking "oh no...what could it be?" Then he says, "I'm thinking I might want to adopt". I about fell out of my chair!! I couldn't believe the words I was hearing and was both elated and shocked at the same time.

I probably need to back up here for minute and explain how I feel the Lord had also been preparing my heart to recieve this news. A few days prior I awoke puzzled after having a very vivid dream that I was putting a baby asian girl in a car seat in the back seat of our car next to big sister. She asked, "mommy, why is she crying?" And I said, "because babies cry sometimes especially when they aren't very happy." I believe that this was God's way of preparing my heart. We are not adopting internationally BUT I feel like I needed to have this type of dream to prepare my heart for "adoption". For if it had been a white baby, I probably wouldn't have considered it to be an adopted child.

So, after Brian gave his announcement, the conversation went on for a couple of hours that evening hashing through all the possibilities and ways of having another baby. Could we have the big V reversed? Would it be too much money, too much risk and too much uncertainty? Not to mention the pain Brian would have to undergo and we all know that didn't go over well. What about invetro? Could we do that? We talked about several ways in which we could get ourselves pregnant, questioning if that's what we should do. That night I prayed and wondered what would come of all this. I pondered what God could possibly be doing here. And I wondered should we try to get pregnant ourselves or is that messing with what God is trying do here??